Another fabulous day

Today was great.  I got to sleep in until 10 o'clock.  Then Jordan, my sister, and her kids went to pick Shaun up at my parents' camp site.  On the way, we stopped to eat at The Hitchin Post, a restaurant Chris, Shaun, and I used to go to a lot before Jordan was born.  We got to the campground and spent a few hours playing in the river.  We saw a snake.  It was pretty gross, but Dad said it wasn't poisonous so he couldn't kill it.  Any snake is a bad snake to me, but apparently the wild-life preserver people do not share my feelings.  Anyway, we got Shaun and came back home.  Then Chris, the boys and I all went swimming at my mom's.  We had a blast.  Jordan is NOT afraid of the water the way he was last year.  We picked up pizza, came home, and went to bed.  I also signed the kids up for the reading program at the library.  

Tomorrow Shaun has an appointment with his orthopedic surgeon at Scottish Rite.  My sister's meeting over here at 7:00 am to go with me.  It should be a long day.  I pray that Shaun does not have to have another surgery this summer, or anytime soon. 

Rough Days

The past few days have been rough.  Shaun has been terrible with his mood swings and aggressiveness.  This is because his doctor didn't call in a refill for his bipolar meds.  We got them yesterday, and today was much, MUCH better.  No emotional outbursts, no flying off the handle.  He's camping with my parents tonight, so I got a much needed break from him.  I know that sounds terrible, but its just the way it is.  I miss him, though.  

Took him to the optomologist yesterday.  He has to start wearing a patch over his right eye for 2 hours every day.  Apparently his left eye muscles are weak.  If it gets worse he'll have to have surgery.  It never ends,  it seems.  

Other than that, today was great, if tiring.  My sister and her kids all piled into my van and we drove to Vogel State Park, where my parents are camping.  We got to play in the river for a bit, which Jordan loved.  We all came home except for Shaun.  He's staying tonight.  We'll go back in the morning and drop the girls off.  Friday its off to Scottish Rite for an orthopedic appointment.  I pray it goes well. 

I'm Back

I've been gone awhile.  A lot has been happening.  I was going to just quit this blog, since I've been blogging on Myspace, but decided to keep it up.  This blog is mainly for me.  I don't care if anyone else reads it or not.  I want a place to rant and rave, and I would like for my kids to read it when they're older....much older!

So anyway.  Summer began today.  The air conditioner needs Freon, so it was HOT in the house.  The man's coming tomorrow, though, thank goodness.  The kids and I stayed outside in the water a lot today.  It was actually cooler outside than it was in the house.  

We had a Memorial Day cookout yesterday at my Mom's.  The first one since Mamaw passed away.  It was strange.  Strange and sad.  I walked back into the house before we left to say goodbye and found my mom crying.  I hate to see her hurt.  And she's hurting, bad.  There's nothing I can say to make her feel better.  I miss Mamaw so much.  I pick up the phone to call her at least 2 times a week.  I had a bad day last week and stopped by the cemetary to "talk" to her.  Silly, I know.  She's not there!  She's in Heaven.  And if she can see me down here, she's probably laughing, because she can see the "big picture".  Jordan is already starting to forget her.  I put a picture of the two of them up in his room and try to talk about her every day.  

That's enough for tonight.  Going to bed now.  Hopefully I can fall asleep despite the hotness. 

Grace that repaints visions and dreams

This is a line from a song I heard at church today. I need more of God's grace! Grace that gives me a sense of peace about my life. Peace about my children and thier conditions. Peace about my grandmother's cancer. Peace over the sick feeling I still sometimes get in my stomach when I reflect on my life and can't believe its turned out this way. Just plain peace. Today's been long. Very long. I got a job in the nursery at church. I'm in the infant room. I'm feeling like I'd be better suited for the older kids. There was lots of crying today and it was very stressful. We had a staff meeting after the 11 oclock service, so that meant I was at church from 7:30 am until almost 3 this afternoon. Came home and tried to get some things done, but Jordan didn't get his nap out and was grouchy, Shaun was grouchy because it was raining and he couldn't go outside to play with his boomerang. There was whining and more whining. I was about to start dinner when I realized Jordan only had 3 more diapers in the house. We just packed everything up and went out to eat and to get diapers. We just got back. Jordan's asleep and Shaun and Chris are watching The Goonies. Tomorrow's a school holiday, so hopefully everyone will sleep in a little later. I'm about to read a book and go to bed. Can't wait- I'm soooo tired!

More chemo

I just talked to my mom. My grandma is having a chemo treatment right now. This is a shock to everyone. My mom's upset. Mamaw had made up her mind to not do treatments anymore. Last week the doctor said he couldn't recommend more treatments, that her body would not tolerate them, and that they would only prolong the inevitable. Everyone had adjusted to this decision. We were beginning to have peace about it. Then they go back today and the doctor apparently starts trying to talk her into more treatments. She said she would try for us, for her family. She said if she did these treatments, maybe she would have time to plant one last garden. Heavy stuff, to say the least. I will say this-- if she does make it long enough to plant a garden, my boys and I will be over there every day doing it for her and making more precious memories. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm relieved that she isn't giving up, angry at her doc for "dangling a carrot", and lots more. She is such a precious woman.

Grieving

I've been all over the map emotionally today. I've cried a lot. I seem to be depressed. I'm not ready to lose my grandma, but I'm afraid its not going to be long before it happens. I was seeing a counselor back when she first got diagnosed in May. I told her how upset I was, how I cried almost nonstop for 3 days. She told me I was probably going through the grieving process early. That, when she did die, I would still be sad but it wouldn't hit me as hard. I don't think so. I'm handling this news even worse. I told Shaun yesterday. He asked if she was going to die soon. I said I thought so. He said he'd just see her in heaven. I wish I had that faith! Of course I know I'll see her in heaven. Its just that I want her hear with us on Earth for a little longer. Despite all this, the world keeps turning. My car is messed up (again). It bogged down in the Arby's parking lot last night. I was by myself with the boys. Once again, it was my dad to the rescue. Chris took the car back to the mechanic this morning. Apparently, some kind of sensor needs to be replaced. Its gonna cost $130. We don't have an extra $130 right now. But God will provide- gotta keep the faith, no matter what! My neice is getting dedicated at our old church tomorrow. Everyone's coming except us. Chris and I couldn't find subs for our jobs at church. I'm upset about that, too. Its probably Mamaw's last time going to church, if she even feels like going. Tomorrow afternoon we're going to my neices' birthday party. Its a skating party, which should be pretty interesting. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle again!

"Miracled"

This is the conversation Shaun and I had while driving in the car the other day: Shaun: remember when I had a stroke and God saved my life? Me: Yes, I do. Shaun: I wonder why he loved me so much to do that? Me: I guess he has special plans for you. Shaun: Oh. Is that why he miracled me? I've never heard it described quite that way before!