Grieving

I've been all over the map emotionally today. I've cried a lot. I seem to be depressed. I'm not ready to lose my grandma, but I'm afraid its not going to be long before it happens. I was seeing a counselor back when she first got diagnosed in May. I told her how upset I was, how I cried almost nonstop for 3 days. She told me I was probably going through the grieving process early. That, when she did die, I would still be sad but it wouldn't hit me as hard. I don't think so. I'm handling this news even worse. I told Shaun yesterday. He asked if she was going to die soon. I said I thought so. He said he'd just see her in heaven. I wish I had that faith! Of course I know I'll see her in heaven. Its just that I want her hear with us on Earth for a little longer. Despite all this, the world keeps turning. My car is messed up (again). It bogged down in the Arby's parking lot last night. I was by myself with the boys. Once again, it was my dad to the rescue. Chris took the car back to the mechanic this morning. Apparently, some kind of sensor needs to be replaced. Its gonna cost $130. We don't have an extra $130 right now. But God will provide- gotta keep the faith, no matter what! My neice is getting dedicated at our old church tomorrow. Everyone's coming except us. Chris and I couldn't find subs for our jobs at church. I'm upset about that, too. Its probably Mamaw's last time going to church, if she even feels like going. Tomorrow afternoon we're going to my neices' birthday party. Its a skating party, which should be pretty interesting. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle again!

Jordan Turns 2

Jordan turned 2 years old this past Monday, on January 28th. His official b-day party isn't until March (we are having his and Shaun's parties together at our karate studio). On Monday, though, we had the grandparents over for cake and gifts. The biggest hit gift-wise was the John Deer tractor with trailer and loader, which was given by Pop and Susie. He LOVES it- if only the weather would cooperate long enough for him to really learn to drive it.

I've been thinking a lot about the day he was born. I remember all of the drama- his heart rate being high at my OB appointment, going to the hospital with my mom, watching as he kicked the amnio needle from inside my womb (which left a scratch on his little foot!), watching Dr Harrison nearly have a meltdown because 1) no one could find an ultra-sound machine to use during the amnio 2) upon finally finding the machine he opened the amnio kit to find there was no needle, sighing and crying tears of relief upon hearing Jordan's precious cry after the c-section- Shaun didn't cry right after his birth. That's how I new something was wrong. And then later, the absolute terror when the nurse had to take him back to the nursery because of an infection. For days, we waited on spinal tap results which would let us know whether or not we were dealing with meningitus. As it turned out, it was only an infection which was treated with antibiotics. Looking back, I can definitely see God's hand in the whole situation. For example, if Jordan's heart rate hadn't been high at my appointment, I would have gone home thinking nothing was wrong. It turns out that the heart rate was an indicator of the infection. When I got to the hospital it was back to normal, but my doctor decided to go ahead with the c-section 3 weeks early due to what all had happened with Shaun. If we hadn't gotten him out when we did, the outcome would have probably been a lot worse. Thank you, God, for taking care of my children!

I remember holding him for the first time and not recognizing him. I think I was expecting him to look like Shaun, but he didn't. He looked just like Chris. He had a bruise on his nose because I carried him so low for sooo long(!), a scratch on his foot from his fight with the amnio needle, and suck marks on his hand. He sucked his 3 middle fingers for the first few days. How precious he was!

Nowadays, Jordan is still precious- in different ways! He is hyper- oh so hyper. He is never still, and LOVES to climb. Some of his other favorite things are:

- his brother Shaun
- his Pop
- his cousin Keri-lyn
- Elmo
-music- he's actually already starting to sing along with songs.
- climbing
- his pacifier- we're working on getting him to give it up!
- shoes
- his Mamaw
- I don't know his name, but the man at church who works in Kidpak Jr. Jordan will actually jump out of my arms to say "Whazzup" to him each Sunday and Wednesday.
-Wonder Pets
-Backyardigans
- Riding in the Gator with Shaun
- being outdoors
- karate kicks
And too many other things to count. He really is a joy, and I love him so much.