Grace that repaints visions and dreams

This is a line from a song I heard at church today. I need more of God's grace! Grace that gives me a sense of peace about my life. Peace about my children and thier conditions. Peace about my grandmother's cancer. Peace over the sick feeling I still sometimes get in my stomach when I reflect on my life and can't believe its turned out this way. Just plain peace. Today's been long. Very long. I got a job in the nursery at church. I'm in the infant room. I'm feeling like I'd be better suited for the older kids. There was lots of crying today and it was very stressful. We had a staff meeting after the 11 oclock service, so that meant I was at church from 7:30 am until almost 3 this afternoon. Came home and tried to get some things done, but Jordan didn't get his nap out and was grouchy, Shaun was grouchy because it was raining and he couldn't go outside to play with his boomerang. There was whining and more whining. I was about to start dinner when I realized Jordan only had 3 more diapers in the house. We just packed everything up and went out to eat and to get diapers. We just got back. Jordan's asleep and Shaun and Chris are watching The Goonies. Tomorrow's a school holiday, so hopefully everyone will sleep in a little later. I'm about to read a book and go to bed. Can't wait- I'm soooo tired!

Grieving

I've been all over the map emotionally today. I've cried a lot. I seem to be depressed. I'm not ready to lose my grandma, but I'm afraid its not going to be long before it happens. I was seeing a counselor back when she first got diagnosed in May. I told her how upset I was, how I cried almost nonstop for 3 days. She told me I was probably going through the grieving process early. That, when she did die, I would still be sad but it wouldn't hit me as hard. I don't think so. I'm handling this news even worse. I told Shaun yesterday. He asked if she was going to die soon. I said I thought so. He said he'd just see her in heaven. I wish I had that faith! Of course I know I'll see her in heaven. Its just that I want her hear with us on Earth for a little longer. Despite all this, the world keeps turning. My car is messed up (again). It bogged down in the Arby's parking lot last night. I was by myself with the boys. Once again, it was my dad to the rescue. Chris took the car back to the mechanic this morning. Apparently, some kind of sensor needs to be replaced. Its gonna cost $130. We don't have an extra $130 right now. But God will provide- gotta keep the faith, no matter what! My neice is getting dedicated at our old church tomorrow. Everyone's coming except us. Chris and I couldn't find subs for our jobs at church. I'm upset about that, too. Its probably Mamaw's last time going to church, if she even feels like going. Tomorrow afternoon we're going to my neices' birthday party. Its a skating party, which should be pretty interesting. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle again!

Fruits From the Fast

Believe it or not, we're already having some answered prayers, before the fast is even over!

One of Shaun's resource teachers found me at school today to tell me that she's seen a "noticeable improvement" in his math and reading skills. In fact, she said she was "just tickled". School has been a real struggle this year, and to hear those words coming from a lady who just doesn't sugar-coat anything- well, it was HUGE! I also found a way to get Shaun to take his new seizure medication. The receptionist at his psychiatrist's office told me to try putting it in applesauce. I had my doubts, but tried it tonight and it worked. Praise be to God.

Chris and I have also been fasting for our finances to improve. We had a big insurance bill to pay, and the money was just not there. We've been praying so hard for God to help us find a way to take care of this- and He did. We got our bill paid last night- before the cancellation deadline today. That's 3 prayer requests already ansered. I can't wait to see what else He's got in store for us. Thank you, God!

Fasting and miracles

Shaun got a double-dose of heavy prayer tonight. We all went to church early with Chris, and before band practice the members of the Kidpak band all laid hands on Shaun while praying for his healing. They also praid for Chris and I, so that we would have knowledge on how to care for him and for our marriage. They prayed for Shaun's doctors. Pretty powerful stuff.

After the service Chris, the boys and I walked through the prayer line in the Miracle Service. We were all prayed for and annointed with oil. Also pretty powerful stuff. God's spirit was so full in that room that the air was thick. No joke. I've never felt His presence in quite that way before. I have every belief that Shaun can be healed.

The fast ends on Sunday. I think I'm feeling led to fast longer than the 21 days. I don't feel like I'm done, and honestly, I don't feel like I've taken this fast seriously enough. I've followed the guidelines well enough, but I don't feel like I've prayed and studied the Word the way I should have. So tomorrow I'm beginning a 3 day total fast. I'm going to try my best to make it to Sunday with no food- only juice and water. During those 3 days I'm going to pray and read non-stop. I feel in my heart that God is asking this of me. It will probably be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I actually considered calling the fast off tonight, since we had all been prayed for. What wishful thinking! :)

During the next 3 days I will be praying for the healing of Shaun's mind. I'll pray for my marriage and out finances. I'll pray for my Grandma's healing. But most of all I'll pray that God will show me contentment in my life, no matter what the circumstance. That, I believe, is the key to true happiness.

The Devil's agitated

I heard at church yesterday that the Devil gets agitated when you fast and pray and, for lack of a better word, attacks you. I definitely feel like he's agitated with me. Chris and I have faced some major trials since last week, and so far this week isn't looking much better.

I had this fantasy that I would begin my fast and the struggles in my life would immediately improve. What a joke! If anything, things have gotten worse- Shaun's behavior is awful, he got another bad report card, Jordan's been sick, I'm depressed, and our finances our suffering. One thing's for sure: Satan really knows how to push our buttons.

But I realized something today. My blessings will come AFTER the fast, not during. I really feel in my heart that God is getting ready to work some major miracles in my life- it makes sense that Satan would be angry about that. He (Satan) wants to see me miserable. And he knows that God's going to bless me for fasting. So of course the Devil's going to try anything and everything to discourage me from fasting. I'm determined to stay strong. I may even fast for 20 more days, if that's the way God leads. Who knows? I'm learning to stay open to new possibilities.

We sang a new song at church yesterday that was so fitting to my situation right now. I've heard it once before, but was extra blessed by it yesterday. The chorus is:

"So I will praise you in the good times and bad; I'll praise you whether happy or sad. I'll praise you in all that I go through because praise is what I do. And I owe it all to you."

Wow. Talk about a reality check. I was in such a horrible mood yesterday. That song put me in my place. My prayer is that I'll always be able to give Him praise, regardless of my circumstances.

A better frame of mind

I'm feeling much better today. I'm trusting in God to meet all of our needs- financial, medical, emotional- all of them!

My ankle is also a little better today. Its almost time for me to leave for Shaun's appointment. I'm praying it goes well.

And the fasting begins

I've decided to begin fasting a few days early. Our church begins an annual corporate fast this Sunday, but I'm ready to get started. This is my first time fasting, and I'm excited to see what happens. I'm also nervous. Everyone who knows me knows I love food. I'll even say that I'm addicted to food. I eat way, WAY too much of it. If nothing else, I hope to break this bad habit over the next 23 days.

I went grocery shopping tonight for fruits, veggies, distilled water, and all-natural fruit juice (which is harder to find that you may think). I pray that God gives me the strenghth and will power to complete this fast. In the Bible, God's people are commanded to pray, give, and fast. I think I'm doing pretty well with the praying and giving. I read a verse in the Bible a few weeks ago that stated that some demons can only be conquered by fasting. I'm ready to rid my house and family of all the demons! I'm ready to be closer and more obediant to God. I'm ready to really hear what He has to say to me. I'm ready for a whole new outlook on life. I've heard the first 3 days are the roughest, so we'll see if my attitude changes tomorrow! I'm determined to stick it out.

I went over to my sister's house tonight and watched "Three". We've both read the book it was based on, by Ted Dekker. As usual with books-turned-movies, the book was way better. It was still good, though. It would suck to have three personalities.

Reflections

I turned 27 yesterday. It was actually a pretty good day. I usually get severely depressed on my b-day, but not too bad this year. Chris and I got to go on a date, which was nice. Had lunch at my mom's opened gifts. Got a nap, which was the GREATEST gift of all!

I can't believe that 2007 is over. Hands down, this has been the worst year of my life. Some of the things that stick out the most:

Shaun going into an all out rage at my mom's one day. No one could hold him down. He ran away down the street so fast that no one could catch him. When we finally caught up with him he hit, kicked, left bruises on both my mom and myself. Terrible day.

Meeting with Shaun's kindergarten teachers and hearing that he was below grade level, not speaking in school, not showing any sigs of following a routine.


Learning (finally) that Shaun was bi-polar and has Epilepsy. The diagnoses sucked, but at least we had a reason for his behavior.

Learning Jordan has Ectodermal Dysplasia. Finally breaking down because he was suppossed to be my healthy child.

The utter exhaustion of driving to Atlanta every day one week for doctors appointments.

Jordan's virus that caused a 105 degree fever. Rushing him to the hospital, only to have the doctors say "its just a virus. Go home". Totally not understanding that we didnt give a crap about the virus. We were concerned because he can't cool himself off from high fevers.

Several scary wheezing episodes with Jordan leading to ER visits.

Getting the results of Shaun's psychological testing and learning that he has a learning disability on top of everything else.

Hearing the news that my Grandma has small-cell lung cancer. Watching my mother deal with the fact that, at most, her mother will only be with us from 1-5 more years. Seeing my mom and her sisters break down because of taking care of the woman who has always taken care of them.

Knowing that my marriage was falling apart. Living in the same house with Chris and hating him. The feeling of being stuck- not wanting to stay with my husband but knowing I could not go back to work if I left.

Those are the bad things. It still hurts to remember all of that. But there were also some good, even great, things:

Walking with Shaun down the aisle of our church the day he gave his heart to the Lord.

Finding our church, Free Chapel. So many connections have been made here. We've met many wonderful friends. Chris was able to get a part time job there, which enables me to stay home with our children.

Watching our lives play out with "divine appointments". We've met so many people and have had many opportunities that can only be described as "God things": Chris' job at church, Rex and Archie and families, Pastor Tim Mckinley and the great people at Without Walls of Cartersville. Some have helped us grow in our faith, others have helped us business-wise, but we are so fortunate to have all of them in our lives.

Having my marriage saved. This is nothing short of a miracle.

Learning the true meaning of prayer and worship alongside my husband and finally realizing that no matter how bad things get, we have each other.

Watching my extended family become close again after my Grandma's cancer diagnosis.

Having the opportunity to stay home with Jordan. He is a pure joy.

Simply realizing that we made it through alive!

Seeing it all written down this way makes me realize how good we really have it. Yes, it has been a rough year. I am expecting 2008 to be better. I am excited about the new year- a new beginning. To kick things off, Chris, my mother, and myself will begin a fast next Sunday. We'll be praying and fasting for so many things- Shaun, our finances, the direction of Chris' band, my grandmother's health. Most importantly, that we will find ourselves in God's perfect will. Next December, I'm certain I'll be able to look back and see this as a turning point in our lives.

We're having a little get-together tonight to usher in the New Year. It'll be great to say goodbye to 2007 surrounded by the friends and family who have prayed us though.

In-laws for Christmas

So its settled. Chris' parents are coming over Friday night for our Christmas get-together. I'm really dreading it. Its so hard for me to be nice to them. I know I should. I know God loves them just as much as He loves me, and that no one is perfect, and that as a Christian I'm suppossed to love everybody, but its so HARD.



I think the main "wedge" between us is that our families have nothing in common anymore. Chris and I don't drink or do drugs, we don't curse, we try to live right. We're very involved in church and we're raising our kids to do the same. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, because we have many, MANY flaws. We're just different from them. They know how we feel about cussing and drinking, etc, and they continue to do those things when we're together. I think our differences wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have a history of disappointing my children. Several times this year, Chris' mom has told Shaun that she's coming over to bring him his Christmas presents (from last year) and she didn't show up or even call to say she wasn't coming. And her not showing up at church this past Sunday after she promised Shaun she would has left a bad taste in my mouth.



Chris and I were thinking yesterday, and we don't think his mom has even seen either one of them since last Christmas. A year ago! Not only that, but they never call. They know that both of their grandkids have had medical issues this year, and it really frustrates me that they don't care enough to call. I know they get upset because we don't come to their house. But we can't. Jordan's doctors have given us strict instruction to not have him around any secondary smoke because of his asthma. But of course they don't care. Seriously. When Shaun was being discharged from the NICU the doctors told all of us to keep him away from secondary smoke. The very next day they called and wanted us to bring him to their house. I don't understand how someone can just NOT CARE about their grandchildren that way. Ugh- I'm getting all upset again. I hope they show up tomorrow. I've been praying for God to heal our relationship. That's one of the things I'm going to be fasting for next month. If anyone can do it, God can.

I've had a horrible day today. Shaun had a meltdown and punched one of the panes out in a dining room window. Needless to say, we didn't make it to Karate today. I'm at a loss. I have no idea how to handle him when he acts that way. He is not in control of himself. I can tell the difference between him being "manic" and just acting out like any other 7 year old. Its so hard to know how to punish him. I don't think he should be punished for episodes like that, because he really does not have control over his actions. On the other hand, we can't let him act that way with no consequences. I called and left a message for our psychologist, but he's on vacation until January. I think the problem is that he's had a growth spurt and his meds just aren't enough right now. I hate to go up on his meds, but I don't see any other choice. Obviously, Chris and I will be praying for this when we're fasting. As I've said before, if anyone can fix this, God can!

"He Knows My Name..."

I can't get this song I heard at church this morning out of my head. The rest of it goes: "Im am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name". It repeats, kind of like a victory chant. There's more, of course, but you get the idea. I found it extremely comforting this morning. Think about it. What a great reminder that God knows who you are and what's going on in your life, and that He'll never leave you. Whoo. I feel a shoutin' fest coming on! Just kidding. Too late for that tonight. As you've probably guessed, church was awesome this morning. Just what I needed after a hectic and stressful week. A lot has happened this week.

First of all, our friend Brad's grandmother died, and Chris was asked to sing a song at her funeral and be a pallbearer. Both were firsts for him and he was nervous, but he did great. The family loved his song. It fit perfectly with the funeral. Josephine Shumake's family knows where she is now, so the funeral was more of a celebration of her life. Of course there were tears, but honestly, most of them were happy tears. It was a great testament to her life.

I went to weigh in on Thursday, and I lost 2.6 pounds! I was thrilled, especially after gaining over a pound last week.

Shaun's behavior is getting really bad again. He's having more and more bipolar "episodes". We have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday, so hopefully we can work something out. Maybe a medication increase of something. Something has to give. I'm starting to worry that he'll hurt Jordan- he gets so angry and out of control- violent, even. This has been happening almost every day. We're praying hard for God to fix this. Which brings me to my next topic:

Chris and I are going to fast for 21 days in January. Our chruch does an annual fast with a miracle prayer service on the 21st day of the fast. I had been considering it, but didn't really think I had the will power. Even though we will be doing the Daniel Fast which allows fruits, veggies, and nuts, I still love food. I use food for a means of stress relief, which I know is a terrible thing to do, but anyway. Then I was reading the Bible the other day in Mark chapter 9. Verse 29 states that some demons cannot be conquered without prayer and fasting. Shaun- if you ever read this one day- please realize that I do not think you're posessed by a demon. But this verse made me think. What if God is just waiting for us to be totally obediant to him? So we are doing the fast and we'll be praying the whole time for Shaun. For God to destroy his mental issues, his learning issues, even his cerebral pasly issues. Great miracle opportunity here. And if, for whatever reason, God chooses not to heal Shaun, then Chris and I will be satisfied that we've done all we can do. I believe we will have peace with this situation that we've never felt before. That inself will be a miracle as well.

Depressed

That's me. I've been down all day. I'm worried about money. I'm tired and I can't sleep. Shaun's beahvior has been downright horrendous today. But I think I'm most bothered by the fact that tomorrow is my grandma's birthday and she's not feeling well at all. She has small-cell cancer in her lungs and rib. She had been feeling pretty good until the past few days. She says her shoulder hurts and she can't get her breath. Arthritus could be causing this. Or the more obvious-- it could be her cancer. Maybe its spreading, getting worse.

I think my family has accepted the fact that she's not going to be with us much longer. I know I have, at least. Her doctor said she could have maybe between 1 and 5 good years left. It sucks. She has done nothing but take care of others for her whole life. It sucks that this had to happen to her. And it makes my heart hurt to see her sick and in pain.

We're having a surprise birthday party for her tomorrow. The entire family is suppossed to surprise her by showing up at church with her. Only today she said she doesn't know if she's going to feel like going or not. I haven't cried over her in a while, but I did today. This could be her last birthday with us. And the thought of her spending it in pain literally makes my heart ache. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't. But what is there in my life that's going the way I think it should?

I know God has a plan for everything. But sometimes I feel like I've drawn a crappy hand in that department. Its hard at times like this to give Him praise. Its hard to even talk to Him. I get mad and, quite frankly, want nothing to do with Him. But even now I can look back at my life and see that in spite of everything, I AM SO BLESSED. I keep telling myself that, even though right now I'm just not feeling it. A wise woman once told me that in times like this you have to focus on what you know, not what you feel. So that's what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll have a better mindset tomorrow.