Christmas' Eve's Eve

Its Christmas' Eve's Eve! I've been saying that since I was a little girl. Chris thinks I'm silly, but I LOVE saying it every year!

Today has been busy- again. Shaun was an usher at our church's Christmas service today and he did a great job. The service was wonderful, and my parents got to go with us. That was nice, because they've never been to our new church with us before. After the service, we drove across town to my parents' church for THEIR Christmas program. I spend the time in the nursery with Jordan, so I can't say how it was. I heard it went well, though.

Tonight, we had Round 1 of Christmas gifts at my mom's house. We were all spoiled rotten-- thanks Mom and Dad! We had a great time together eating "breakfast for dinner" and just spending time together. Tomorrow afternoon we'll have Christmas with our extended family, and then on Christmas afternoon we'll go to our Granny's for Christmas again.

The one sore spot in the day was an argument with Chris' mother. She had promised Shaun she would come to church with us and watch him usher. She didn't make it and he was disappointed. She was upset that we are having to wait until next weekend to have Christmas with them because Chris is on call at the hospital and his sister has to work. I had a "word vomit" moment with her and said something I shouldn't have. I am so mad at myself, because I've been praying for our relationship to get better, and my actions today probably set us back another 5 years. Its no excuse, but I have a huge problem with how she disappoints Shaun all the time. But anyway- that's a whole different journal entry.

I have been eating nonstop for the past 4 days. I cannot wait to see how much weight I'm gaining. Ugh. And tomorrow will be more food, and more food the next day. Then my b-day is right after Christmas...why is there always so much food??!!?!?

I'm off to wrap some gifts now. Jordan's asleep, and Shaun's at my parents' house for a "slamber party" with his cousins, so I'm safe from snooping eyes!

"He Knows My Name..."

I can't get this song I heard at church this morning out of my head. The rest of it goes: "Im am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name". It repeats, kind of like a victory chant. There's more, of course, but you get the idea. I found it extremely comforting this morning. Think about it. What a great reminder that God knows who you are and what's going on in your life, and that He'll never leave you. Whoo. I feel a shoutin' fest coming on! Just kidding. Too late for that tonight. As you've probably guessed, church was awesome this morning. Just what I needed after a hectic and stressful week. A lot has happened this week.

First of all, our friend Brad's grandmother died, and Chris was asked to sing a song at her funeral and be a pallbearer. Both were firsts for him and he was nervous, but he did great. The family loved his song. It fit perfectly with the funeral. Josephine Shumake's family knows where she is now, so the funeral was more of a celebration of her life. Of course there were tears, but honestly, most of them were happy tears. It was a great testament to her life.

I went to weigh in on Thursday, and I lost 2.6 pounds! I was thrilled, especially after gaining over a pound last week.

Shaun's behavior is getting really bad again. He's having more and more bipolar "episodes". We have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday, so hopefully we can work something out. Maybe a medication increase of something. Something has to give. I'm starting to worry that he'll hurt Jordan- he gets so angry and out of control- violent, even. This has been happening almost every day. We're praying hard for God to fix this. Which brings me to my next topic:

Chris and I are going to fast for 21 days in January. Our chruch does an annual fast with a miracle prayer service on the 21st day of the fast. I had been considering it, but didn't really think I had the will power. Even though we will be doing the Daniel Fast which allows fruits, veggies, and nuts, I still love food. I use food for a means of stress relief, which I know is a terrible thing to do, but anyway. Then I was reading the Bible the other day in Mark chapter 9. Verse 29 states that some demons cannot be conquered without prayer and fasting. Shaun- if you ever read this one day- please realize that I do not think you're posessed by a demon. But this verse made me think. What if God is just waiting for us to be totally obediant to him? So we are doing the fast and we'll be praying the whole time for Shaun. For God to destroy his mental issues, his learning issues, even his cerebral pasly issues. Great miracle opportunity here. And if, for whatever reason, God chooses not to heal Shaun, then Chris and I will be satisfied that we've done all we can do. I believe we will have peace with this situation that we've never felt before. That inself will be a miracle as well.

Ugh...

I went to weigh in at Weight Watcher's yesterday. I gained 1.6 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Actually, I was kind of relieved. I anticipated much worse. Today when I got the mail I found an encouragement card from my meeting leader. It helps to know people care. Now that Thanksgiving is behind me, I hope i can lose at least 5 more pounds before Christmas. Its so hard for me not to eat sometimes. Food is my drug. I'm addicted to it, I think. Oh well. There's nothing I can do except forget about it and move on.