Another fabulous day

Today was great.  I got to sleep in until 10 o'clock.  Then Jordan, my sister, and her kids went to pick Shaun up at my parents' camp site.  On the way, we stopped to eat at The Hitchin Post, a restaurant Chris, Shaun, and I used to go to a lot before Jordan was born.  We got to the campground and spent a few hours playing in the river.  We saw a snake.  It was pretty gross, but Dad said it wasn't poisonous so he couldn't kill it.  Any snake is a bad snake to me, but apparently the wild-life preserver people do not share my feelings.  Anyway, we got Shaun and came back home.  Then Chris, the boys and I all went swimming at my mom's.  We had a blast.  Jordan is NOT afraid of the water the way he was last year.  We picked up pizza, came home, and went to bed.  I also signed the kids up for the reading program at the library.  

Tomorrow Shaun has an appointment with his orthopedic surgeon at Scottish Rite.  My sister's meeting over here at 7:00 am to go with me.  It should be a long day.  I pray that Shaun does not have to have another surgery this summer, or anytime soon. 

Rough Days

The past few days have been rough.  Shaun has been terrible with his mood swings and aggressiveness.  This is because his doctor didn't call in a refill for his bipolar meds.  We got them yesterday, and today was much, MUCH better.  No emotional outbursts, no flying off the handle.  He's camping with my parents tonight, so I got a much needed break from him.  I know that sounds terrible, but its just the way it is.  I miss him, though.  

Took him to the optomologist yesterday.  He has to start wearing a patch over his right eye for 2 hours every day.  Apparently his left eye muscles are weak.  If it gets worse he'll have to have surgery.  It never ends,  it seems.  

Other than that, today was great, if tiring.  My sister and her kids all piled into my van and we drove to Vogel State Park, where my parents are camping.  We got to play in the river for a bit, which Jordan loved.  We all came home except for Shaun.  He's staying tonight.  We'll go back in the morning and drop the girls off.  Friday its off to Scottish Rite for an orthopedic appointment.  I pray it goes well. 

Grace that repaints visions and dreams

This is a line from a song I heard at church today. I need more of God's grace! Grace that gives me a sense of peace about my life. Peace about my children and thier conditions. Peace about my grandmother's cancer. Peace over the sick feeling I still sometimes get in my stomach when I reflect on my life and can't believe its turned out this way. Just plain peace. Today's been long. Very long. I got a job in the nursery at church. I'm in the infant room. I'm feeling like I'd be better suited for the older kids. There was lots of crying today and it was very stressful. We had a staff meeting after the 11 oclock service, so that meant I was at church from 7:30 am until almost 3 this afternoon. Came home and tried to get some things done, but Jordan didn't get his nap out and was grouchy, Shaun was grouchy because it was raining and he couldn't go outside to play with his boomerang. There was whining and more whining. I was about to start dinner when I realized Jordan only had 3 more diapers in the house. We just packed everything up and went out to eat and to get diapers. We just got back. Jordan's asleep and Shaun and Chris are watching The Goonies. Tomorrow's a school holiday, so hopefully everyone will sleep in a little later. I'm about to read a book and go to bed. Can't wait- I'm soooo tired!

More chemo

I just talked to my mom. My grandma is having a chemo treatment right now. This is a shock to everyone. My mom's upset. Mamaw had made up her mind to not do treatments anymore. Last week the doctor said he couldn't recommend more treatments, that her body would not tolerate them, and that they would only prolong the inevitable. Everyone had adjusted to this decision. We were beginning to have peace about it. Then they go back today and the doctor apparently starts trying to talk her into more treatments. She said she would try for us, for her family. She said if she did these treatments, maybe she would have time to plant one last garden. Heavy stuff, to say the least. I will say this-- if she does make it long enough to plant a garden, my boys and I will be over there every day doing it for her and making more precious memories. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm relieved that she isn't giving up, angry at her doc for "dangling a carrot", and lots more. She is such a precious woman.

Grieving

I've been all over the map emotionally today. I've cried a lot. I seem to be depressed. I'm not ready to lose my grandma, but I'm afraid its not going to be long before it happens. I was seeing a counselor back when she first got diagnosed in May. I told her how upset I was, how I cried almost nonstop for 3 days. She told me I was probably going through the grieving process early. That, when she did die, I would still be sad but it wouldn't hit me as hard. I don't think so. I'm handling this news even worse. I told Shaun yesterday. He asked if she was going to die soon. I said I thought so. He said he'd just see her in heaven. I wish I had that faith! Of course I know I'll see her in heaven. Its just that I want her hear with us on Earth for a little longer. Despite all this, the world keeps turning. My car is messed up (again). It bogged down in the Arby's parking lot last night. I was by myself with the boys. Once again, it was my dad to the rescue. Chris took the car back to the mechanic this morning. Apparently, some kind of sensor needs to be replaced. Its gonna cost $130. We don't have an extra $130 right now. But God will provide- gotta keep the faith, no matter what! My neice is getting dedicated at our old church tomorrow. Everyone's coming except us. Chris and I couldn't find subs for our jobs at church. I'm upset about that, too. Its probably Mamaw's last time going to church, if she even feels like going. Tomorrow afternoon we're going to my neices' birthday party. Its a skating party, which should be pretty interesting. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle again!

Reflections

I turned 27 yesterday. It was actually a pretty good day. I usually get severely depressed on my b-day, but not too bad this year. Chris and I got to go on a date, which was nice. Had lunch at my mom's opened gifts. Got a nap, which was the GREATEST gift of all!

I can't believe that 2007 is over. Hands down, this has been the worst year of my life. Some of the things that stick out the most:

Shaun going into an all out rage at my mom's one day. No one could hold him down. He ran away down the street so fast that no one could catch him. When we finally caught up with him he hit, kicked, left bruises on both my mom and myself. Terrible day.

Meeting with Shaun's kindergarten teachers and hearing that he was below grade level, not speaking in school, not showing any sigs of following a routine.


Learning (finally) that Shaun was bi-polar and has Epilepsy. The diagnoses sucked, but at least we had a reason for his behavior.

Learning Jordan has Ectodermal Dysplasia. Finally breaking down because he was suppossed to be my healthy child.

The utter exhaustion of driving to Atlanta every day one week for doctors appointments.

Jordan's virus that caused a 105 degree fever. Rushing him to the hospital, only to have the doctors say "its just a virus. Go home". Totally not understanding that we didnt give a crap about the virus. We were concerned because he can't cool himself off from high fevers.

Several scary wheezing episodes with Jordan leading to ER visits.

Getting the results of Shaun's psychological testing and learning that he has a learning disability on top of everything else.

Hearing the news that my Grandma has small-cell lung cancer. Watching my mother deal with the fact that, at most, her mother will only be with us from 1-5 more years. Seeing my mom and her sisters break down because of taking care of the woman who has always taken care of them.

Knowing that my marriage was falling apart. Living in the same house with Chris and hating him. The feeling of being stuck- not wanting to stay with my husband but knowing I could not go back to work if I left.

Those are the bad things. It still hurts to remember all of that. But there were also some good, even great, things:

Walking with Shaun down the aisle of our church the day he gave his heart to the Lord.

Finding our church, Free Chapel. So many connections have been made here. We've met many wonderful friends. Chris was able to get a part time job there, which enables me to stay home with our children.

Watching our lives play out with "divine appointments". We've met so many people and have had many opportunities that can only be described as "God things": Chris' job at church, Rex and Archie and families, Pastor Tim Mckinley and the great people at Without Walls of Cartersville. Some have helped us grow in our faith, others have helped us business-wise, but we are so fortunate to have all of them in our lives.

Having my marriage saved. This is nothing short of a miracle.

Learning the true meaning of prayer and worship alongside my husband and finally realizing that no matter how bad things get, we have each other.

Watching my extended family become close again after my Grandma's cancer diagnosis.

Having the opportunity to stay home with Jordan. He is a pure joy.

Simply realizing that we made it through alive!

Seeing it all written down this way makes me realize how good we really have it. Yes, it has been a rough year. I am expecting 2008 to be better. I am excited about the new year- a new beginning. To kick things off, Chris, my mother, and myself will begin a fast next Sunday. We'll be praying and fasting for so many things- Shaun, our finances, the direction of Chris' band, my grandmother's health. Most importantly, that we will find ourselves in God's perfect will. Next December, I'm certain I'll be able to look back and see this as a turning point in our lives.

We're having a little get-together tonight to usher in the New Year. It'll be great to say goodbye to 2007 surrounded by the friends and family who have prayed us though.

Relief

Christmas with Chris' family is over. It went really well. God answered our prayers and gave us some good quality time with them. It wasn't perfect, but way better than the past 2 Christmases. I'm exhausted, though. I'm going to take a nice long bath and get some rest. Shaun has his first sparring class tomorrow-- should be interesting!

In-laws for Christmas

So its settled. Chris' parents are coming over Friday night for our Christmas get-together. I'm really dreading it. Its so hard for me to be nice to them. I know I should. I know God loves them just as much as He loves me, and that no one is perfect, and that as a Christian I'm suppossed to love everybody, but its so HARD.



I think the main "wedge" between us is that our families have nothing in common anymore. Chris and I don't drink or do drugs, we don't curse, we try to live right. We're very involved in church and we're raising our kids to do the same. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, because we have many, MANY flaws. We're just different from them. They know how we feel about cussing and drinking, etc, and they continue to do those things when we're together. I think our differences wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have a history of disappointing my children. Several times this year, Chris' mom has told Shaun that she's coming over to bring him his Christmas presents (from last year) and she didn't show up or even call to say she wasn't coming. And her not showing up at church this past Sunday after she promised Shaun she would has left a bad taste in my mouth.



Chris and I were thinking yesterday, and we don't think his mom has even seen either one of them since last Christmas. A year ago! Not only that, but they never call. They know that both of their grandkids have had medical issues this year, and it really frustrates me that they don't care enough to call. I know they get upset because we don't come to their house. But we can't. Jordan's doctors have given us strict instruction to not have him around any secondary smoke because of his asthma. But of course they don't care. Seriously. When Shaun was being discharged from the NICU the doctors told all of us to keep him away from secondary smoke. The very next day they called and wanted us to bring him to their house. I don't understand how someone can just NOT CARE about their grandchildren that way. Ugh- I'm getting all upset again. I hope they show up tomorrow. I've been praying for God to heal our relationship. That's one of the things I'm going to be fasting for next month. If anyone can do it, God can.

I've had a horrible day today. Shaun had a meltdown and punched one of the panes out in a dining room window. Needless to say, we didn't make it to Karate today. I'm at a loss. I have no idea how to handle him when he acts that way. He is not in control of himself. I can tell the difference between him being "manic" and just acting out like any other 7 year old. Its so hard to know how to punish him. I don't think he should be punished for episodes like that, because he really does not have control over his actions. On the other hand, we can't let him act that way with no consequences. I called and left a message for our psychologist, but he's on vacation until January. I think the problem is that he's had a growth spurt and his meds just aren't enough right now. I hate to go up on his meds, but I don't see any other choice. Obviously, Chris and I will be praying for this when we're fasting. As I've said before, if anyone can fix this, God can!

Christmastime is (really) here!

Can you believe that Christmas is already here?

We had a wonderful gathering at my mom's house last night with the entire family. Afterwards we came home and Chris had to go on a battery run while I watched "A Christmas Story" and finished up the wrapping. Shaun was up bright at early at 6:30. He loved all of his gifts, especially his sparring gear. Jordan was not into opening his presents at all. He mostly wanted to play with Shaun's toys. Chris got called into work for a while, so that stunk. Now we're trying to entertain the children until 5 o'clock. That's when we go to our Granny's for Christmas: Round 3. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Christmas' Eve's Eve

Its Christmas' Eve's Eve! I've been saying that since I was a little girl. Chris thinks I'm silly, but I LOVE saying it every year!

Today has been busy- again. Shaun was an usher at our church's Christmas service today and he did a great job. The service was wonderful, and my parents got to go with us. That was nice, because they've never been to our new church with us before. After the service, we drove across town to my parents' church for THEIR Christmas program. I spend the time in the nursery with Jordan, so I can't say how it was. I heard it went well, though.

Tonight, we had Round 1 of Christmas gifts at my mom's house. We were all spoiled rotten-- thanks Mom and Dad! We had a great time together eating "breakfast for dinner" and just spending time together. Tomorrow afternoon we'll have Christmas with our extended family, and then on Christmas afternoon we'll go to our Granny's for Christmas again.

The one sore spot in the day was an argument with Chris' mother. She had promised Shaun she would come to church with us and watch him usher. She didn't make it and he was disappointed. She was upset that we are having to wait until next weekend to have Christmas with them because Chris is on call at the hospital and his sister has to work. I had a "word vomit" moment with her and said something I shouldn't have. I am so mad at myself, because I've been praying for our relationship to get better, and my actions today probably set us back another 5 years. Its no excuse, but I have a huge problem with how she disappoints Shaun all the time. But anyway- that's a whole different journal entry.

I have been eating nonstop for the past 4 days. I cannot wait to see how much weight I'm gaining. Ugh. And tomorrow will be more food, and more food the next day. Then my b-day is right after Christmas...why is there always so much food??!!?!?

I'm off to wrap some gifts now. Jordan's asleep, and Shaun's at my parents' house for a "slamber party" with his cousins, so I'm safe from snooping eyes!

Christmas time is here

Today's the first day of Christmas vacation! Shaun was up and bouncing around at 7 a.m. What??!!!?? When I was in school, I would have slept all day on my break if my mom would have let me. Otherwise, things have gone pretty good. The kids have gotten in a few squabbles, but they did let me get the kitchen cleaned. Now Jordan's napping and Shaun's watching the Wonder Pets. He'll get me if he ever finds out I wrote that down!

I went to Shaun's Christmas party at school yesterday. It was great, complete with a visit from Santa and Mrs. Clause and a book exchange. I love watching Shaun interact with his classmates. Its so different from this time last year, when he hardly talked at all at school. God is good!

My dad retired from fire department yesterday. Its going to be a big change for my family. I'm a lot sadder about it than I thought I would be. Not sure why. I guess I never do well with changes like that. At least now he'll be home with my mom every night- I know she'll like that.

Today is also my parents' wedding anniversary. I think its almost 30 years. Wow. What an accomplishment in today's world. I know that no one has the perfect marriage, but they have really set an example for Chris and myself. They've had thier share of trials- most of them, I'm ashamed to admit, were due to the actions of my sister and I- but they've held on to each through it all. They've kept God in thier center- I'm certain that's the main reason they've made it. Thanks, Mom and dad, for showing your children and grandchildren the merits of a Godly, loving marriage. Thank you for passing down your legacy!

Better Day

Sunday turned out to be a great day, after all. I think Mamaw had a wonderful time at her party. We ate, gave her a new television, and just had a good time of fellowship with each other. She's feeling a little better today, too, so that's good news.

Here's a picure of Mamaw getting her birthday gift from all of us, and one of her with all of her grandchildren.


After the party, my boys and I went to pick out our Christmas tree. What a hoot. Shaun insisted on wearing his Batman knee and elbow pads. Don't ask me why. Jordan couldn't have cared less about picking a tree. All he wanted to do was pet the "doggies". One of the doggies came complete with a dead squirrel in its mouth. Ew. We managed to pick a great tree, though. Its in our living room. We just finished decorating it, before the kids went to bed. I must admit, it looks beautiful. Shaun really got into it, but Jordan really wasn't interested, once again. He just wanted to climb on everything...the banister, up onto the chest to see the ornaments, etc. Oh well, maybe next year.

Some pictures of us getting our tree, and of Jordan and one of his doggies he met at the tree farm.

Depressed

That's me. I've been down all day. I'm worried about money. I'm tired and I can't sleep. Shaun's beahvior has been downright horrendous today. But I think I'm most bothered by the fact that tomorrow is my grandma's birthday and she's not feeling well at all. She has small-cell cancer in her lungs and rib. She had been feeling pretty good until the past few days. She says her shoulder hurts and she can't get her breath. Arthritus could be causing this. Or the more obvious-- it could be her cancer. Maybe its spreading, getting worse.

I think my family has accepted the fact that she's not going to be with us much longer. I know I have, at least. Her doctor said she could have maybe between 1 and 5 good years left. It sucks. She has done nothing but take care of others for her whole life. It sucks that this had to happen to her. And it makes my heart hurt to see her sick and in pain.

We're having a surprise birthday party for her tomorrow. The entire family is suppossed to surprise her by showing up at church with her. Only today she said she doesn't know if she's going to feel like going or not. I haven't cried over her in a while, but I did today. This could be her last birthday with us. And the thought of her spending it in pain literally makes my heart ache. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't. But what is there in my life that's going the way I think it should?

I know God has a plan for everything. But sometimes I feel like I've drawn a crappy hand in that department. Its hard at times like this to give Him praise. Its hard to even talk to Him. I get mad and, quite frankly, want nothing to do with Him. But even now I can look back at my life and see that in spite of everything, I AM SO BLESSED. I keep telling myself that, even though right now I'm just not feeling it. A wise woman once told me that in times like this you have to focus on what you know, not what you feel. So that's what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll have a better mindset tomorrow.