I'm Back

I've been gone awhile.  A lot has been happening.  I was going to just quit this blog, since I've been blogging on Myspace, but decided to keep it up.  This blog is mainly for me.  I don't care if anyone else reads it or not.  I want a place to rant and rave, and I would like for my kids to read it when they're older....much older!

So anyway.  Summer began today.  The air conditioner needs Freon, so it was HOT in the house.  The man's coming tomorrow, though, thank goodness.  The kids and I stayed outside in the water a lot today.  It was actually cooler outside than it was in the house.  

We had a Memorial Day cookout yesterday at my Mom's.  The first one since Mamaw passed away.  It was strange.  Strange and sad.  I walked back into the house before we left to say goodbye and found my mom crying.  I hate to see her hurt.  And she's hurting, bad.  There's nothing I can say to make her feel better.  I miss Mamaw so much.  I pick up the phone to call her at least 2 times a week.  I had a bad day last week and stopped by the cemetary to "talk" to her.  Silly, I know.  She's not there!  She's in Heaven.  And if she can see me down here, she's probably laughing, because she can see the "big picture".  Jordan is already starting to forget her.  I put a picture of the two of them up in his room and try to talk about her every day.  

That's enough for tonight.  Going to bed now.  Hopefully I can fall asleep despite the hotness. 

Grieving

I've been all over the map emotionally today. I've cried a lot. I seem to be depressed. I'm not ready to lose my grandma, but I'm afraid its not going to be long before it happens. I was seeing a counselor back when she first got diagnosed in May. I told her how upset I was, how I cried almost nonstop for 3 days. She told me I was probably going through the grieving process early. That, when she did die, I would still be sad but it wouldn't hit me as hard. I don't think so. I'm handling this news even worse. I told Shaun yesterday. He asked if she was going to die soon. I said I thought so. He said he'd just see her in heaven. I wish I had that faith! Of course I know I'll see her in heaven. Its just that I want her hear with us on Earth for a little longer. Despite all this, the world keeps turning. My car is messed up (again). It bogged down in the Arby's parking lot last night. I was by myself with the boys. Once again, it was my dad to the rescue. Chris took the car back to the mechanic this morning. Apparently, some kind of sensor needs to be replaced. Its gonna cost $130. We don't have an extra $130 right now. But God will provide- gotta keep the faith, no matter what! My neice is getting dedicated at our old church tomorrow. Everyone's coming except us. Chris and I couldn't find subs for our jobs at church. I'm upset about that, too. Its probably Mamaw's last time going to church, if she even feels like going. Tomorrow afternoon we're going to my neices' birthday party. Its a skating party, which should be pretty interesting. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle again!