Reflections

I turned 27 yesterday. It was actually a pretty good day. I usually get severely depressed on my b-day, but not too bad this year. Chris and I got to go on a date, which was nice. Had lunch at my mom's opened gifts. Got a nap, which was the GREATEST gift of all!

I can't believe that 2007 is over. Hands down, this has been the worst year of my life. Some of the things that stick out the most:

Shaun going into an all out rage at my mom's one day. No one could hold him down. He ran away down the street so fast that no one could catch him. When we finally caught up with him he hit, kicked, left bruises on both my mom and myself. Terrible day.

Meeting with Shaun's kindergarten teachers and hearing that he was below grade level, not speaking in school, not showing any sigs of following a routine.


Learning (finally) that Shaun was bi-polar and has Epilepsy. The diagnoses sucked, but at least we had a reason for his behavior.

Learning Jordan has Ectodermal Dysplasia. Finally breaking down because he was suppossed to be my healthy child.

The utter exhaustion of driving to Atlanta every day one week for doctors appointments.

Jordan's virus that caused a 105 degree fever. Rushing him to the hospital, only to have the doctors say "its just a virus. Go home". Totally not understanding that we didnt give a crap about the virus. We were concerned because he can't cool himself off from high fevers.

Several scary wheezing episodes with Jordan leading to ER visits.

Getting the results of Shaun's psychological testing and learning that he has a learning disability on top of everything else.

Hearing the news that my Grandma has small-cell lung cancer. Watching my mother deal with the fact that, at most, her mother will only be with us from 1-5 more years. Seeing my mom and her sisters break down because of taking care of the woman who has always taken care of them.

Knowing that my marriage was falling apart. Living in the same house with Chris and hating him. The feeling of being stuck- not wanting to stay with my husband but knowing I could not go back to work if I left.

Those are the bad things. It still hurts to remember all of that. But there were also some good, even great, things:

Walking with Shaun down the aisle of our church the day he gave his heart to the Lord.

Finding our church, Free Chapel. So many connections have been made here. We've met many wonderful friends. Chris was able to get a part time job there, which enables me to stay home with our children.

Watching our lives play out with "divine appointments". We've met so many people and have had many opportunities that can only be described as "God things": Chris' job at church, Rex and Archie and families, Pastor Tim Mckinley and the great people at Without Walls of Cartersville. Some have helped us grow in our faith, others have helped us business-wise, but we are so fortunate to have all of them in our lives.

Having my marriage saved. This is nothing short of a miracle.

Learning the true meaning of prayer and worship alongside my husband and finally realizing that no matter how bad things get, we have each other.

Watching my extended family become close again after my Grandma's cancer diagnosis.

Having the opportunity to stay home with Jordan. He is a pure joy.

Simply realizing that we made it through alive!

Seeing it all written down this way makes me realize how good we really have it. Yes, it has been a rough year. I am expecting 2008 to be better. I am excited about the new year- a new beginning. To kick things off, Chris, my mother, and myself will begin a fast next Sunday. We'll be praying and fasting for so many things- Shaun, our finances, the direction of Chris' band, my grandmother's health. Most importantly, that we will find ourselves in God's perfect will. Next December, I'm certain I'll be able to look back and see this as a turning point in our lives.

We're having a little get-together tonight to usher in the New Year. It'll be great to say goodbye to 2007 surrounded by the friends and family who have prayed us though.

Relief

Christmas with Chris' family is over. It went really well. God answered our prayers and gave us some good quality time with them. It wasn't perfect, but way better than the past 2 Christmases. I'm exhausted, though. I'm going to take a nice long bath and get some rest. Shaun has his first sparring class tomorrow-- should be interesting!

In-laws for Christmas

So its settled. Chris' parents are coming over Friday night for our Christmas get-together. I'm really dreading it. Its so hard for me to be nice to them. I know I should. I know God loves them just as much as He loves me, and that no one is perfect, and that as a Christian I'm suppossed to love everybody, but its so HARD.



I think the main "wedge" between us is that our families have nothing in common anymore. Chris and I don't drink or do drugs, we don't curse, we try to live right. We're very involved in church and we're raising our kids to do the same. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, because we have many, MANY flaws. We're just different from them. They know how we feel about cussing and drinking, etc, and they continue to do those things when we're together. I think our differences wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have a history of disappointing my children. Several times this year, Chris' mom has told Shaun that she's coming over to bring him his Christmas presents (from last year) and she didn't show up or even call to say she wasn't coming. And her not showing up at church this past Sunday after she promised Shaun she would has left a bad taste in my mouth.



Chris and I were thinking yesterday, and we don't think his mom has even seen either one of them since last Christmas. A year ago! Not only that, but they never call. They know that both of their grandkids have had medical issues this year, and it really frustrates me that they don't care enough to call. I know they get upset because we don't come to their house. But we can't. Jordan's doctors have given us strict instruction to not have him around any secondary smoke because of his asthma. But of course they don't care. Seriously. When Shaun was being discharged from the NICU the doctors told all of us to keep him away from secondary smoke. The very next day they called and wanted us to bring him to their house. I don't understand how someone can just NOT CARE about their grandchildren that way. Ugh- I'm getting all upset again. I hope they show up tomorrow. I've been praying for God to heal our relationship. That's one of the things I'm going to be fasting for next month. If anyone can do it, God can.

I've had a horrible day today. Shaun had a meltdown and punched one of the panes out in a dining room window. Needless to say, we didn't make it to Karate today. I'm at a loss. I have no idea how to handle him when he acts that way. He is not in control of himself. I can tell the difference between him being "manic" and just acting out like any other 7 year old. Its so hard to know how to punish him. I don't think he should be punished for episodes like that, because he really does not have control over his actions. On the other hand, we can't let him act that way with no consequences. I called and left a message for our psychologist, but he's on vacation until January. I think the problem is that he's had a growth spurt and his meds just aren't enough right now. I hate to go up on his meds, but I don't see any other choice. Obviously, Chris and I will be praying for this when we're fasting. As I've said before, if anyone can fix this, God can!

Christmastime is (really) here!

Can you believe that Christmas is already here?

We had a wonderful gathering at my mom's house last night with the entire family. Afterwards we came home and Chris had to go on a battery run while I watched "A Christmas Story" and finished up the wrapping. Shaun was up bright at early at 6:30. He loved all of his gifts, especially his sparring gear. Jordan was not into opening his presents at all. He mostly wanted to play with Shaun's toys. Chris got called into work for a while, so that stunk. Now we're trying to entertain the children until 5 o'clock. That's when we go to our Granny's for Christmas: Round 3. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Christmas' Eve's Eve

Its Christmas' Eve's Eve! I've been saying that since I was a little girl. Chris thinks I'm silly, but I LOVE saying it every year!

Today has been busy- again. Shaun was an usher at our church's Christmas service today and he did a great job. The service was wonderful, and my parents got to go with us. That was nice, because they've never been to our new church with us before. After the service, we drove across town to my parents' church for THEIR Christmas program. I spend the time in the nursery with Jordan, so I can't say how it was. I heard it went well, though.

Tonight, we had Round 1 of Christmas gifts at my mom's house. We were all spoiled rotten-- thanks Mom and Dad! We had a great time together eating "breakfast for dinner" and just spending time together. Tomorrow afternoon we'll have Christmas with our extended family, and then on Christmas afternoon we'll go to our Granny's for Christmas again.

The one sore spot in the day was an argument with Chris' mother. She had promised Shaun she would come to church with us and watch him usher. She didn't make it and he was disappointed. She was upset that we are having to wait until next weekend to have Christmas with them because Chris is on call at the hospital and his sister has to work. I had a "word vomit" moment with her and said something I shouldn't have. I am so mad at myself, because I've been praying for our relationship to get better, and my actions today probably set us back another 5 years. Its no excuse, but I have a huge problem with how she disappoints Shaun all the time. But anyway- that's a whole different journal entry.

I have been eating nonstop for the past 4 days. I cannot wait to see how much weight I'm gaining. Ugh. And tomorrow will be more food, and more food the next day. Then my b-day is right after Christmas...why is there always so much food??!!?!?

I'm off to wrap some gifts now. Jordan's asleep, and Shaun's at my parents' house for a "slamber party" with his cousins, so I'm safe from snooping eyes!

Christmas time is here

Today's the first day of Christmas vacation! Shaun was up and bouncing around at 7 a.m. What??!!!?? When I was in school, I would have slept all day on my break if my mom would have let me. Otherwise, things have gone pretty good. The kids have gotten in a few squabbles, but they did let me get the kitchen cleaned. Now Jordan's napping and Shaun's watching the Wonder Pets. He'll get me if he ever finds out I wrote that down!

I went to Shaun's Christmas party at school yesterday. It was great, complete with a visit from Santa and Mrs. Clause and a book exchange. I love watching Shaun interact with his classmates. Its so different from this time last year, when he hardly talked at all at school. God is good!

My dad retired from fire department yesterday. Its going to be a big change for my family. I'm a lot sadder about it than I thought I would be. Not sure why. I guess I never do well with changes like that. At least now he'll be home with my mom every night- I know she'll like that.

Today is also my parents' wedding anniversary. I think its almost 30 years. Wow. What an accomplishment in today's world. I know that no one has the perfect marriage, but they have really set an example for Chris and myself. They've had thier share of trials- most of them, I'm ashamed to admit, were due to the actions of my sister and I- but they've held on to each through it all. They've kept God in thier center- I'm certain that's the main reason they've made it. Thanks, Mom and dad, for showing your children and grandchildren the merits of a Godly, loving marriage. Thank you for passing down your legacy!

Back to normal

Thankfully, things have calmed down a bit. Last night my parents took all of the grandkids to see Christmas lights, so Chris and I were able to do some more Christmas shopping. I think we're almost done. I wait until the last minute every year, so its getting to be kind of fun that way. We got back home and Shaun had a "Bipolar Moment" when he didn't get to spend the night with my parents. Actually, the "moment" lasted close to an hour. He finally calmed down and went to sleep, so all was good. Today was Polar Express Day at school and he wore his PJs. Tomorrow's the last day of school before vacation and we're all excited. I hope my early birds let me sleep in at least until 8 o'clock!

Crazily busy...

This past week has been crazy...so busy. I'm still trying to recover.

First of all, my car broke down on the way home from church Sunday before last. I couldn't get in touch with Chris, so my dad came out and put some oil in it. I was able to drive it home and had no problems the rest of the night. There were no problems the next day until the boys and I were headed home from Shaun's tutoring session. Same thing with the car. Once again, Dad came to the rescue. And once again, when he drove it home, he could find nothing wrong. When we finally got home, I noticed that Jordan was burning up. Sent Dad to the pharmacy for Motrin and a new thermometer and found out J's temp was almost 103 degrees. Not good. I got him comfortable for the night and decided to take the car into the shop the next day. The man at the garage also could not find anything wrong the car. Took J to the doctor and learned he had Strep and would need 3 Rosefrin shots over the next 3 days. Then on Wednesday, Shaun's teacher suggested that I take Shaun into the doctor about his runny nose. I did on Thursday and found out he had a sinus infection. Dropped Shaun back off at school and rushed home to get Jordan back in time for his appointment. Because this was his 3rd visit in 3 days and he new a shot and pain were coming, he chose to throw a MAJOR tantrum in the exam room. Finally got out of there. By this time, I'm feeling more than a little tired. I drag myself home to find a message from Shaun's tutor cancelling their session. Hooray! Such good news! Went to Dad's to get Shaun for karate. Drag myself into the studio, made it through his class, picked up fast food for dinner and came home. That's when I started feeling really bad. I mean, worse than I've ever felt before. Got the kids in bed and called Chris, who was in Cartersville setting up some sound equipment that he'd sold. Asked when he would be home, said he was just getting started. Went to bed and woke up the next morning with my throat so swollen I couldn't talk. I could barely swallor. I sounded like a deaf person when I tried to speak, so joke. It stayed that way until Sunday morning. Thank God I'm feeling better now. I have never felt so bad. Anyway- Shaun tested for his camo belt on Saturday morning and did wonderfully. We came home for a few hours and then drove back to Oakwook for the Karate Christmas party. Did some shopping on the way home and made it to church at 7:30 am the next morning. I got to enjoy the children's service with Shaun and then we headed upstairs for the "big service". After church we had a Christmas party with the worship team Chris is a part of. Then we drove to Hiawassee, a good hour and a half in the mountains to get some computer programs for Chris' new studio. It was snowing up in the mountains-- so beautiful! Then we came home and crashed. I thought our drama was over, but yesterday I had it out with Shaun's psychiatrist's office staff over a prior approval for his Vyvanse prescription. I won't go into that- at the end of the day, after visiting 2 pharmacies- we got our meds, so all is good. Only 2 more days of school for Shaun until Chrismas vacation! I'm counting the days! Maybe my next entry will not be so long and rambling. I included everything I want to remember!

"He Knows My Name..."

I can't get this song I heard at church this morning out of my head. The rest of it goes: "Im am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name". It repeats, kind of like a victory chant. There's more, of course, but you get the idea. I found it extremely comforting this morning. Think about it. What a great reminder that God knows who you are and what's going on in your life, and that He'll never leave you. Whoo. I feel a shoutin' fest coming on! Just kidding. Too late for that tonight. As you've probably guessed, church was awesome this morning. Just what I needed after a hectic and stressful week. A lot has happened this week.

First of all, our friend Brad's grandmother died, and Chris was asked to sing a song at her funeral and be a pallbearer. Both were firsts for him and he was nervous, but he did great. The family loved his song. It fit perfectly with the funeral. Josephine Shumake's family knows where she is now, so the funeral was more of a celebration of her life. Of course there were tears, but honestly, most of them were happy tears. It was a great testament to her life.

I went to weigh in on Thursday, and I lost 2.6 pounds! I was thrilled, especially after gaining over a pound last week.

Shaun's behavior is getting really bad again. He's having more and more bipolar "episodes". We have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday, so hopefully we can work something out. Maybe a medication increase of something. Something has to give. I'm starting to worry that he'll hurt Jordan- he gets so angry and out of control- violent, even. This has been happening almost every day. We're praying hard for God to fix this. Which brings me to my next topic:

Chris and I are going to fast for 21 days in January. Our chruch does an annual fast with a miracle prayer service on the 21st day of the fast. I had been considering it, but didn't really think I had the will power. Even though we will be doing the Daniel Fast which allows fruits, veggies, and nuts, I still love food. I use food for a means of stress relief, which I know is a terrible thing to do, but anyway. Then I was reading the Bible the other day in Mark chapter 9. Verse 29 states that some demons cannot be conquered without prayer and fasting. Shaun- if you ever read this one day- please realize that I do not think you're posessed by a demon. But this verse made me think. What if God is just waiting for us to be totally obediant to him? So we are doing the fast and we'll be praying the whole time for Shaun. For God to destroy his mental issues, his learning issues, even his cerebral pasly issues. Great miracle opportunity here. And if, for whatever reason, God chooses not to heal Shaun, then Chris and I will be satisfied that we've done all we can do. I believe we will have peace with this situation that we've never felt before. That inself will be a miracle as well.

Better Day

Sunday turned out to be a great day, after all. I think Mamaw had a wonderful time at her party. We ate, gave her a new television, and just had a good time of fellowship with each other. She's feeling a little better today, too, so that's good news.

Here's a picure of Mamaw getting her birthday gift from all of us, and one of her with all of her grandchildren.


After the party, my boys and I went to pick out our Christmas tree. What a hoot. Shaun insisted on wearing his Batman knee and elbow pads. Don't ask me why. Jordan couldn't have cared less about picking a tree. All he wanted to do was pet the "doggies". One of the doggies came complete with a dead squirrel in its mouth. Ew. We managed to pick a great tree, though. Its in our living room. We just finished decorating it, before the kids went to bed. I must admit, it looks beautiful. Shaun really got into it, but Jordan really wasn't interested, once again. He just wanted to climb on everything...the banister, up onto the chest to see the ornaments, etc. Oh well, maybe next year.

Some pictures of us getting our tree, and of Jordan and one of his doggies he met at the tree farm.

Depressed

That's me. I've been down all day. I'm worried about money. I'm tired and I can't sleep. Shaun's beahvior has been downright horrendous today. But I think I'm most bothered by the fact that tomorrow is my grandma's birthday and she's not feeling well at all. She has small-cell cancer in her lungs and rib. She had been feeling pretty good until the past few days. She says her shoulder hurts and she can't get her breath. Arthritus could be causing this. Or the more obvious-- it could be her cancer. Maybe its spreading, getting worse.

I think my family has accepted the fact that she's not going to be with us much longer. I know I have, at least. Her doctor said she could have maybe between 1 and 5 good years left. It sucks. She has done nothing but take care of others for her whole life. It sucks that this had to happen to her. And it makes my heart hurt to see her sick and in pain.

We're having a surprise birthday party for her tomorrow. The entire family is suppossed to surprise her by showing up at church with her. Only today she said she doesn't know if she's going to feel like going or not. I haven't cried over her in a while, but I did today. This could be her last birthday with us. And the thought of her spending it in pain literally makes my heart ache. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't. But what is there in my life that's going the way I think it should?

I know God has a plan for everything. But sometimes I feel like I've drawn a crappy hand in that department. Its hard at times like this to give Him praise. Its hard to even talk to Him. I get mad and, quite frankly, want nothing to do with Him. But even now I can look back at my life and see that in spite of everything, I AM SO BLESSED. I keep telling myself that, even though right now I'm just not feeling it. A wise woman once told me that in times like this you have to focus on what you know, not what you feel. So that's what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll have a better mindset tomorrow.