Grace that repaints visions and dreams

This is a line from a song I heard at church today. I need more of God's grace! Grace that gives me a sense of peace about my life. Peace about my children and thier conditions. Peace about my grandmother's cancer. Peace over the sick feeling I still sometimes get in my stomach when I reflect on my life and can't believe its turned out this way. Just plain peace. Today's been long. Very long. I got a job in the nursery at church. I'm in the infant room. I'm feeling like I'd be better suited for the older kids. There was lots of crying today and it was very stressful. We had a staff meeting after the 11 oclock service, so that meant I was at church from 7:30 am until almost 3 this afternoon. Came home and tried to get some things done, but Jordan didn't get his nap out and was grouchy, Shaun was grouchy because it was raining and he couldn't go outside to play with his boomerang. There was whining and more whining. I was about to start dinner when I realized Jordan only had 3 more diapers in the house. We just packed everything up and went out to eat and to get diapers. We just got back. Jordan's asleep and Shaun and Chris are watching The Goonies. Tomorrow's a school holiday, so hopefully everyone will sleep in a little later. I'm about to read a book and go to bed. Can't wait- I'm soooo tired!

More chemo

I just talked to my mom. My grandma is having a chemo treatment right now. This is a shock to everyone. My mom's upset. Mamaw had made up her mind to not do treatments anymore. Last week the doctor said he couldn't recommend more treatments, that her body would not tolerate them, and that they would only prolong the inevitable. Everyone had adjusted to this decision. We were beginning to have peace about it. Then they go back today and the doctor apparently starts trying to talk her into more treatments. She said she would try for us, for her family. She said if she did these treatments, maybe she would have time to plant one last garden. Heavy stuff, to say the least. I will say this-- if she does make it long enough to plant a garden, my boys and I will be over there every day doing it for her and making more precious memories. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm relieved that she isn't giving up, angry at her doc for "dangling a carrot", and lots more. She is such a precious woman.

Grieving

I've been all over the map emotionally today. I've cried a lot. I seem to be depressed. I'm not ready to lose my grandma, but I'm afraid its not going to be long before it happens. I was seeing a counselor back when she first got diagnosed in May. I told her how upset I was, how I cried almost nonstop for 3 days. She told me I was probably going through the grieving process early. That, when she did die, I would still be sad but it wouldn't hit me as hard. I don't think so. I'm handling this news even worse. I told Shaun yesterday. He asked if she was going to die soon. I said I thought so. He said he'd just see her in heaven. I wish I had that faith! Of course I know I'll see her in heaven. Its just that I want her hear with us on Earth for a little longer. Despite all this, the world keeps turning. My car is messed up (again). It bogged down in the Arby's parking lot last night. I was by myself with the boys. Once again, it was my dad to the rescue. Chris took the car back to the mechanic this morning. Apparently, some kind of sensor needs to be replaced. Its gonna cost $130. We don't have an extra $130 right now. But God will provide- gotta keep the faith, no matter what! My neice is getting dedicated at our old church tomorrow. Everyone's coming except us. Chris and I couldn't find subs for our jobs at church. I'm upset about that, too. Its probably Mamaw's last time going to church, if she even feels like going. Tomorrow afternoon we're going to my neices' birthday party. Its a skating party, which should be pretty interesting. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle again!

"Miracled"

This is the conversation Shaun and I had while driving in the car the other day: Shaun: remember when I had a stroke and God saved my life? Me: Yes, I do. Shaun: I wonder why he loved me so much to do that? Me: I guess he has special plans for you. Shaun: Oh. Is that why he miracled me? I've never heard it described quite that way before!

3 months

What is 3 months?? 90 days? A season, such as fall or winter? 3 packs of birth control pills? 30 days is NOTHING. And that's how much longer my grandma's doctors expect her to live. Despite chemo and radiation, her cancer has pretty much attacked her liver, and probably her bones, too. She'll find that out for sure after her bone scan tomorrow. She'll go back to the doctor next week and make an appointment for hospice to come out to her house. She doesn't want to do any more treatments- her doctor didn't recommend it, and it probably wouldn't help anyway. And yet she's fine. Not afraid at all. She actually told my dad to go to church tonight and request prayer for her daughters and granddaughters. I've cried a lot today. I think I'm still in shock- its like this isn't even happening. But at the same time, I'm grateful. Grateful that she knows God, that she knows where she'll be when she takes her last breath. Grateful that she got to know and love my children. Grateful for the privalidge to have her as my Mamaw. Right now I'm too beat to think about this anymore. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Jordan Turns 2

Jordan turned 2 years old this past Monday, on January 28th. His official b-day party isn't until March (we are having his and Shaun's parties together at our karate studio). On Monday, though, we had the grandparents over for cake and gifts. The biggest hit gift-wise was the John Deer tractor with trailer and loader, which was given by Pop and Susie. He LOVES it- if only the weather would cooperate long enough for him to really learn to drive it.

I've been thinking a lot about the day he was born. I remember all of the drama- his heart rate being high at my OB appointment, going to the hospital with my mom, watching as he kicked the amnio needle from inside my womb (which left a scratch on his little foot!), watching Dr Harrison nearly have a meltdown because 1) no one could find an ultra-sound machine to use during the amnio 2) upon finally finding the machine he opened the amnio kit to find there was no needle, sighing and crying tears of relief upon hearing Jordan's precious cry after the c-section- Shaun didn't cry right after his birth. That's how I new something was wrong. And then later, the absolute terror when the nurse had to take him back to the nursery because of an infection. For days, we waited on spinal tap results which would let us know whether or not we were dealing with meningitus. As it turned out, it was only an infection which was treated with antibiotics. Looking back, I can definitely see God's hand in the whole situation. For example, if Jordan's heart rate hadn't been high at my appointment, I would have gone home thinking nothing was wrong. It turns out that the heart rate was an indicator of the infection. When I got to the hospital it was back to normal, but my doctor decided to go ahead with the c-section 3 weeks early due to what all had happened with Shaun. If we hadn't gotten him out when we did, the outcome would have probably been a lot worse. Thank you, God, for taking care of my children!

I remember holding him for the first time and not recognizing him. I think I was expecting him to look like Shaun, but he didn't. He looked just like Chris. He had a bruise on his nose because I carried him so low for sooo long(!), a scratch on his foot from his fight with the amnio needle, and suck marks on his hand. He sucked his 3 middle fingers for the first few days. How precious he was!

Nowadays, Jordan is still precious- in different ways! He is hyper- oh so hyper. He is never still, and LOVES to climb. Some of his other favorite things are:

- his brother Shaun
- his Pop
- his cousin Keri-lyn
- Elmo
-music- he's actually already starting to sing along with songs.
- climbing
- his pacifier- we're working on getting him to give it up!
- shoes
- his Mamaw
- I don't know his name, but the man at church who works in Kidpak Jr. Jordan will actually jump out of my arms to say "Whazzup" to him each Sunday and Wednesday.
-Wonder Pets
-Backyardigans
- Riding in the Gator with Shaun
- being outdoors
- karate kicks
And too many other things to count. He really is a joy, and I love him so much.