Reflections

I turned 27 yesterday. It was actually a pretty good day. I usually get severely depressed on my b-day, but not too bad this year. Chris and I got to go on a date, which was nice. Had lunch at my mom's opened gifts. Got a nap, which was the GREATEST gift of all!

I can't believe that 2007 is over. Hands down, this has been the worst year of my life. Some of the things that stick out the most:

Shaun going into an all out rage at my mom's one day. No one could hold him down. He ran away down the street so fast that no one could catch him. When we finally caught up with him he hit, kicked, left bruises on both my mom and myself. Terrible day.

Meeting with Shaun's kindergarten teachers and hearing that he was below grade level, not speaking in school, not showing any sigs of following a routine.


Learning (finally) that Shaun was bi-polar and has Epilepsy. The diagnoses sucked, but at least we had a reason for his behavior.

Learning Jordan has Ectodermal Dysplasia. Finally breaking down because he was suppossed to be my healthy child.

The utter exhaustion of driving to Atlanta every day one week for doctors appointments.

Jordan's virus that caused a 105 degree fever. Rushing him to the hospital, only to have the doctors say "its just a virus. Go home". Totally not understanding that we didnt give a crap about the virus. We were concerned because he can't cool himself off from high fevers.

Several scary wheezing episodes with Jordan leading to ER visits.

Getting the results of Shaun's psychological testing and learning that he has a learning disability on top of everything else.

Hearing the news that my Grandma has small-cell lung cancer. Watching my mother deal with the fact that, at most, her mother will only be with us from 1-5 more years. Seeing my mom and her sisters break down because of taking care of the woman who has always taken care of them.

Knowing that my marriage was falling apart. Living in the same house with Chris and hating him. The feeling of being stuck- not wanting to stay with my husband but knowing I could not go back to work if I left.

Those are the bad things. It still hurts to remember all of that. But there were also some good, even great, things:

Walking with Shaun down the aisle of our church the day he gave his heart to the Lord.

Finding our church, Free Chapel. So many connections have been made here. We've met many wonderful friends. Chris was able to get a part time job there, which enables me to stay home with our children.

Watching our lives play out with "divine appointments". We've met so many people and have had many opportunities that can only be described as "God things": Chris' job at church, Rex and Archie and families, Pastor Tim Mckinley and the great people at Without Walls of Cartersville. Some have helped us grow in our faith, others have helped us business-wise, but we are so fortunate to have all of them in our lives.

Having my marriage saved. This is nothing short of a miracle.

Learning the true meaning of prayer and worship alongside my husband and finally realizing that no matter how bad things get, we have each other.

Watching my extended family become close again after my Grandma's cancer diagnosis.

Having the opportunity to stay home with Jordan. He is a pure joy.

Simply realizing that we made it through alive!

Seeing it all written down this way makes me realize how good we really have it. Yes, it has been a rough year. I am expecting 2008 to be better. I am excited about the new year- a new beginning. To kick things off, Chris, my mother, and myself will begin a fast next Sunday. We'll be praying and fasting for so many things- Shaun, our finances, the direction of Chris' band, my grandmother's health. Most importantly, that we will find ourselves in God's perfect will. Next December, I'm certain I'll be able to look back and see this as a turning point in our lives.

We're having a little get-together tonight to usher in the New Year. It'll be great to say goodbye to 2007 surrounded by the friends and family who have prayed us though.

Relief

Christmas with Chris' family is over. It went really well. God answered our prayers and gave us some good quality time with them. It wasn't perfect, but way better than the past 2 Christmases. I'm exhausted, though. I'm going to take a nice long bath and get some rest. Shaun has his first sparring class tomorrow-- should be interesting!

In-laws for Christmas

So its settled. Chris' parents are coming over Friday night for our Christmas get-together. I'm really dreading it. Its so hard for me to be nice to them. I know I should. I know God loves them just as much as He loves me, and that no one is perfect, and that as a Christian I'm suppossed to love everybody, but its so HARD.



I think the main "wedge" between us is that our families have nothing in common anymore. Chris and I don't drink or do drugs, we don't curse, we try to live right. We're very involved in church and we're raising our kids to do the same. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, because we have many, MANY flaws. We're just different from them. They know how we feel about cussing and drinking, etc, and they continue to do those things when we're together. I think our differences wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have a history of disappointing my children. Several times this year, Chris' mom has told Shaun that she's coming over to bring him his Christmas presents (from last year) and she didn't show up or even call to say she wasn't coming. And her not showing up at church this past Sunday after she promised Shaun she would has left a bad taste in my mouth.



Chris and I were thinking yesterday, and we don't think his mom has even seen either one of them since last Christmas. A year ago! Not only that, but they never call. They know that both of their grandkids have had medical issues this year, and it really frustrates me that they don't care enough to call. I know they get upset because we don't come to their house. But we can't. Jordan's doctors have given us strict instruction to not have him around any secondary smoke because of his asthma. But of course they don't care. Seriously. When Shaun was being discharged from the NICU the doctors told all of us to keep him away from secondary smoke. The very next day they called and wanted us to bring him to their house. I don't understand how someone can just NOT CARE about their grandchildren that way. Ugh- I'm getting all upset again. I hope they show up tomorrow. I've been praying for God to heal our relationship. That's one of the things I'm going to be fasting for next month. If anyone can do it, God can.

I've had a horrible day today. Shaun had a meltdown and punched one of the panes out in a dining room window. Needless to say, we didn't make it to Karate today. I'm at a loss. I have no idea how to handle him when he acts that way. He is not in control of himself. I can tell the difference between him being "manic" and just acting out like any other 7 year old. Its so hard to know how to punish him. I don't think he should be punished for episodes like that, because he really does not have control over his actions. On the other hand, we can't let him act that way with no consequences. I called and left a message for our psychologist, but he's on vacation until January. I think the problem is that he's had a growth spurt and his meds just aren't enough right now. I hate to go up on his meds, but I don't see any other choice. Obviously, Chris and I will be praying for this when we're fasting. As I've said before, if anyone can fix this, God can!

Christmastime is (really) here!

Can you believe that Christmas is already here?

We had a wonderful gathering at my mom's house last night with the entire family. Afterwards we came home and Chris had to go on a battery run while I watched "A Christmas Story" and finished up the wrapping. Shaun was up bright at early at 6:30. He loved all of his gifts, especially his sparring gear. Jordan was not into opening his presents at all. He mostly wanted to play with Shaun's toys. Chris got called into work for a while, so that stunk. Now we're trying to entertain the children until 5 o'clock. That's when we go to our Granny's for Christmas: Round 3. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Christmas' Eve's Eve

Its Christmas' Eve's Eve! I've been saying that since I was a little girl. Chris thinks I'm silly, but I LOVE saying it every year!

Today has been busy- again. Shaun was an usher at our church's Christmas service today and he did a great job. The service was wonderful, and my parents got to go with us. That was nice, because they've never been to our new church with us before. After the service, we drove across town to my parents' church for THEIR Christmas program. I spend the time in the nursery with Jordan, so I can't say how it was. I heard it went well, though.

Tonight, we had Round 1 of Christmas gifts at my mom's house. We were all spoiled rotten-- thanks Mom and Dad! We had a great time together eating "breakfast for dinner" and just spending time together. Tomorrow afternoon we'll have Christmas with our extended family, and then on Christmas afternoon we'll go to our Granny's for Christmas again.

The one sore spot in the day was an argument with Chris' mother. She had promised Shaun she would come to church with us and watch him usher. She didn't make it and he was disappointed. She was upset that we are having to wait until next weekend to have Christmas with them because Chris is on call at the hospital and his sister has to work. I had a "word vomit" moment with her and said something I shouldn't have. I am so mad at myself, because I've been praying for our relationship to get better, and my actions today probably set us back another 5 years. Its no excuse, but I have a huge problem with how she disappoints Shaun all the time. But anyway- that's a whole different journal entry.

I have been eating nonstop for the past 4 days. I cannot wait to see how much weight I'm gaining. Ugh. And tomorrow will be more food, and more food the next day. Then my b-day is right after Christmas...why is there always so much food??!!?!?

I'm off to wrap some gifts now. Jordan's asleep, and Shaun's at my parents' house for a "slamber party" with his cousins, so I'm safe from snooping eyes!

Christmas time is here

Today's the first day of Christmas vacation! Shaun was up and bouncing around at 7 a.m. What??!!!?? When I was in school, I would have slept all day on my break if my mom would have let me. Otherwise, things have gone pretty good. The kids have gotten in a few squabbles, but they did let me get the kitchen cleaned. Now Jordan's napping and Shaun's watching the Wonder Pets. He'll get me if he ever finds out I wrote that down!

I went to Shaun's Christmas party at school yesterday. It was great, complete with a visit from Santa and Mrs. Clause and a book exchange. I love watching Shaun interact with his classmates. Its so different from this time last year, when he hardly talked at all at school. God is good!

My dad retired from fire department yesterday. Its going to be a big change for my family. I'm a lot sadder about it than I thought I would be. Not sure why. I guess I never do well with changes like that. At least now he'll be home with my mom every night- I know she'll like that.

Today is also my parents' wedding anniversary. I think its almost 30 years. Wow. What an accomplishment in today's world. I know that no one has the perfect marriage, but they have really set an example for Chris and myself. They've had thier share of trials- most of them, I'm ashamed to admit, were due to the actions of my sister and I- but they've held on to each through it all. They've kept God in thier center- I'm certain that's the main reason they've made it. Thanks, Mom and dad, for showing your children and grandchildren the merits of a Godly, loving marriage. Thank you for passing down your legacy!

Back to normal

Thankfully, things have calmed down a bit. Last night my parents took all of the grandkids to see Christmas lights, so Chris and I were able to do some more Christmas shopping. I think we're almost done. I wait until the last minute every year, so its getting to be kind of fun that way. We got back home and Shaun had a "Bipolar Moment" when he didn't get to spend the night with my parents. Actually, the "moment" lasted close to an hour. He finally calmed down and went to sleep, so all was good. Today was Polar Express Day at school and he wore his PJs. Tomorrow's the last day of school before vacation and we're all excited. I hope my early birds let me sleep in at least until 8 o'clock!

Crazily busy...

This past week has been crazy...so busy. I'm still trying to recover.

First of all, my car broke down on the way home from church Sunday before last. I couldn't get in touch with Chris, so my dad came out and put some oil in it. I was able to drive it home and had no problems the rest of the night. There were no problems the next day until the boys and I were headed home from Shaun's tutoring session. Same thing with the car. Once again, Dad came to the rescue. And once again, when he drove it home, he could find nothing wrong. When we finally got home, I noticed that Jordan was burning up. Sent Dad to the pharmacy for Motrin and a new thermometer and found out J's temp was almost 103 degrees. Not good. I got him comfortable for the night and decided to take the car into the shop the next day. The man at the garage also could not find anything wrong the car. Took J to the doctor and learned he had Strep and would need 3 Rosefrin shots over the next 3 days. Then on Wednesday, Shaun's teacher suggested that I take Shaun into the doctor about his runny nose. I did on Thursday and found out he had a sinus infection. Dropped Shaun back off at school and rushed home to get Jordan back in time for his appointment. Because this was his 3rd visit in 3 days and he new a shot and pain were coming, he chose to throw a MAJOR tantrum in the exam room. Finally got out of there. By this time, I'm feeling more than a little tired. I drag myself home to find a message from Shaun's tutor cancelling their session. Hooray! Such good news! Went to Dad's to get Shaun for karate. Drag myself into the studio, made it through his class, picked up fast food for dinner and came home. That's when I started feeling really bad. I mean, worse than I've ever felt before. Got the kids in bed and called Chris, who was in Cartersville setting up some sound equipment that he'd sold. Asked when he would be home, said he was just getting started. Went to bed and woke up the next morning with my throat so swollen I couldn't talk. I could barely swallor. I sounded like a deaf person when I tried to speak, so joke. It stayed that way until Sunday morning. Thank God I'm feeling better now. I have never felt so bad. Anyway- Shaun tested for his camo belt on Saturday morning and did wonderfully. We came home for a few hours and then drove back to Oakwook for the Karate Christmas party. Did some shopping on the way home and made it to church at 7:30 am the next morning. I got to enjoy the children's service with Shaun and then we headed upstairs for the "big service". After church we had a Christmas party with the worship team Chris is a part of. Then we drove to Hiawassee, a good hour and a half in the mountains to get some computer programs for Chris' new studio. It was snowing up in the mountains-- so beautiful! Then we came home and crashed. I thought our drama was over, but yesterday I had it out with Shaun's psychiatrist's office staff over a prior approval for his Vyvanse prescription. I won't go into that- at the end of the day, after visiting 2 pharmacies- we got our meds, so all is good. Only 2 more days of school for Shaun until Chrismas vacation! I'm counting the days! Maybe my next entry will not be so long and rambling. I included everything I want to remember!

"He Knows My Name..."

I can't get this song I heard at church this morning out of my head. The rest of it goes: "Im am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name". It repeats, kind of like a victory chant. There's more, of course, but you get the idea. I found it extremely comforting this morning. Think about it. What a great reminder that God knows who you are and what's going on in your life, and that He'll never leave you. Whoo. I feel a shoutin' fest coming on! Just kidding. Too late for that tonight. As you've probably guessed, church was awesome this morning. Just what I needed after a hectic and stressful week. A lot has happened this week.

First of all, our friend Brad's grandmother died, and Chris was asked to sing a song at her funeral and be a pallbearer. Both were firsts for him and he was nervous, but he did great. The family loved his song. It fit perfectly with the funeral. Josephine Shumake's family knows where she is now, so the funeral was more of a celebration of her life. Of course there were tears, but honestly, most of them were happy tears. It was a great testament to her life.

I went to weigh in on Thursday, and I lost 2.6 pounds! I was thrilled, especially after gaining over a pound last week.

Shaun's behavior is getting really bad again. He's having more and more bipolar "episodes". We have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday, so hopefully we can work something out. Maybe a medication increase of something. Something has to give. I'm starting to worry that he'll hurt Jordan- he gets so angry and out of control- violent, even. This has been happening almost every day. We're praying hard for God to fix this. Which brings me to my next topic:

Chris and I are going to fast for 21 days in January. Our chruch does an annual fast with a miracle prayer service on the 21st day of the fast. I had been considering it, but didn't really think I had the will power. Even though we will be doing the Daniel Fast which allows fruits, veggies, and nuts, I still love food. I use food for a means of stress relief, which I know is a terrible thing to do, but anyway. Then I was reading the Bible the other day in Mark chapter 9. Verse 29 states that some demons cannot be conquered without prayer and fasting. Shaun- if you ever read this one day- please realize that I do not think you're posessed by a demon. But this verse made me think. What if God is just waiting for us to be totally obediant to him? So we are doing the fast and we'll be praying the whole time for Shaun. For God to destroy his mental issues, his learning issues, even his cerebral pasly issues. Great miracle opportunity here. And if, for whatever reason, God chooses not to heal Shaun, then Chris and I will be satisfied that we've done all we can do. I believe we will have peace with this situation that we've never felt before. That inself will be a miracle as well.

Better Day

Sunday turned out to be a great day, after all. I think Mamaw had a wonderful time at her party. We ate, gave her a new television, and just had a good time of fellowship with each other. She's feeling a little better today, too, so that's good news.

Here's a picure of Mamaw getting her birthday gift from all of us, and one of her with all of her grandchildren.


After the party, my boys and I went to pick out our Christmas tree. What a hoot. Shaun insisted on wearing his Batman knee and elbow pads. Don't ask me why. Jordan couldn't have cared less about picking a tree. All he wanted to do was pet the "doggies". One of the doggies came complete with a dead squirrel in its mouth. Ew. We managed to pick a great tree, though. Its in our living room. We just finished decorating it, before the kids went to bed. I must admit, it looks beautiful. Shaun really got into it, but Jordan really wasn't interested, once again. He just wanted to climb on everything...the banister, up onto the chest to see the ornaments, etc. Oh well, maybe next year.

Some pictures of us getting our tree, and of Jordan and one of his doggies he met at the tree farm.

Depressed

That's me. I've been down all day. I'm worried about money. I'm tired and I can't sleep. Shaun's beahvior has been downright horrendous today. But I think I'm most bothered by the fact that tomorrow is my grandma's birthday and she's not feeling well at all. She has small-cell cancer in her lungs and rib. She had been feeling pretty good until the past few days. She says her shoulder hurts and she can't get her breath. Arthritus could be causing this. Or the more obvious-- it could be her cancer. Maybe its spreading, getting worse.

I think my family has accepted the fact that she's not going to be with us much longer. I know I have, at least. Her doctor said she could have maybe between 1 and 5 good years left. It sucks. She has done nothing but take care of others for her whole life. It sucks that this had to happen to her. And it makes my heart hurt to see her sick and in pain.

We're having a surprise birthday party for her tomorrow. The entire family is suppossed to surprise her by showing up at church with her. Only today she said she doesn't know if she's going to feel like going or not. I haven't cried over her in a while, but I did today. This could be her last birthday with us. And the thought of her spending it in pain literally makes my heart ache. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't. But what is there in my life that's going the way I think it should?

I know God has a plan for everything. But sometimes I feel like I've drawn a crappy hand in that department. Its hard at times like this to give Him praise. Its hard to even talk to Him. I get mad and, quite frankly, want nothing to do with Him. But even now I can look back at my life and see that in spite of everything, I AM SO BLESSED. I keep telling myself that, even though right now I'm just not feeling it. A wise woman once told me that in times like this you have to focus on what you know, not what you feel. So that's what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll have a better mindset tomorrow.

Ugh...

I went to weigh in at Weight Watcher's yesterday. I gained 1.6 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Actually, I was kind of relieved. I anticipated much worse. Today when I got the mail I found an encouragement card from my meeting leader. It helps to know people care. Now that Thanksgiving is behind me, I hope i can lose at least 5 more pounds before Christmas. Its so hard for me not to eat sometimes. Food is my drug. I'm addicted to it, I think. Oh well. There's nothing I can do except forget about it and move on.

Firsts

Jordan's had several firsts lately. Some of them are:

His first hair cut. He had been needing to have his hair trimmed for quite some time. On a whim, I took him to have it done. The only thing I regret is that I didn't have my camera. He sat so still and was very cooperative, and I was pleased with the end result. He looks so different without his "mohawk" sticking up.

His first big boy bed. He'd been climbing out of the crib for several weeks, so we finally broke down and switched out the beds. He had a great time jumping up and down on it, and I started to worry that he'd never get to sleep. But that night, he went right to sleep all by himself. He also fell out a couple of times, so we had to prop tons of pillows up all around him. He does great at night, always going right to sleep. Naps are a different story. He hasn't taken a nap all week and I'm open to any suggestions on how to get a toddler to nap in his own bed!

His first head wound. This happened yesterday at my mom's. He pulled a stocking holder off of the edge of the stairs and knocked a hole in his head. Thankfully, it wasnt serious and just needed a band-aid. Pretty scary, though.

His first "thank you". When I brought him his lunch today he looked up at me and said "thank you". Too sweet!

These are just a few. He's doing more and more every day. I know I sound like an old grandma saying this, but he really is growing up too fast!

Here are some pictures...

Sleeping in his new bed

Enjoying his Thanksgiving meal

Doing his homework

Thanksgiving

We've had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We started off on Thursday with finger foods at my sister-in-law Mandy's house. Everything was delicious. We found out Jordan has taken a liking to my sister-in-law's fiancee, Rob. He was pretty content to sit in Rob's lap and watch football most of the time while we were there. For anyone who knows Jordan, getting him to be still is no small task! Chris was disappointed/relieved that his parents didn't show up. On one hand, he was hoping to make ammends with his father since they haven't spoken in almost a year now. On the other hand, there is always lots of drama then they're around. We love them. We're praying for them. There are just a lot of issues with them.

Anyway, we left Mandy's house and drove back home to Murrayville. I had just enough time to get my food into serving dishes and herd everyone into the car to go to my aunt's house. We had a good time, there. It was crowded, crazy, and fun. I kept thinking that this could be my grandmother's last Thanksgiving with us, so I was sad, too. Other than that, we had a blast. We ate and ate, traditional food this time. We laughed. We looked at all the sale papers for deals on Friday's shopping. We took lots of pictures. We ate some more. Finally, we went home. Jordan had not had a nap all day and was getting extremely cranky. We got home and Shaun went right to bed. Jordan, however, preceeded to stay up until midnight and then wake up all night. No one got much sleep.

Friday morning my mom watched the boys while my sister and I went shopping. I purchased lots of Elmo stuff for Jordan and Pirates of the Caribbean stuff for Shaun. Friday shopping was not as crazy in years past. We didn't get started until around 11:00, so most of the "early birds" had already gone home. It was nice to get away without my children.

Tonight was the final installment of the Thanksgiving Holiday. We had dinner at my Granny's. We ate and ate again. I feel so terribly bloated and disgusting right now. I don't even want to know how much weight I've gained. I'm going back to weigh in at Weight Watchers on Saturday. I hope that gives me enough time to at least lose what I've gained this weekend.

After dinner tonight I went shopping again with my mom and sister. I've lost weight and have no clothes that fit me anymore, so my mom bought me some new jeans. I got a smaller size, and they were kind of snug. I put them on when I got home to stretch them out some. When I went to button them, the button popped off! No, it didn't pop off because my jeans were too tight. I don't know what happened. I know that I'm taking them back tomorrow, though. Oh well. We have another busy day tomorrow with church and cleaning. I'll be glad to get back to church. We layed out Wednesday and I missed it!

Here We Go Again

So, Jordan's left ear is infected. Again. He had tubes put in last January, after one continuous double ear infection which lasted from October until January. We went to see the allergist today because he's been wheezing and coughing for the past week or so, in spite of using the nebulizer and inhalers around the clock. The nurse practitioner discovered that one of the tubes has somehow turne sideways and, therefore, is unable to drain. So we're back on antibiotics and have an appointment with our ENT for the first week in December. I'm not sure what he'll want to do. Guess I'll have to wait and find out. The good news is that Jordan doesn't seem to be in any pain. He's been a little fussy lately, but he's cutting 2 more teeth. He's still sleeping pretty well and is active. At least he's not crying all night the way he did last year with the ear infections.

I'm home alone tonight. Chris got called back into work and I can't sleep. I keep hearing the dogs barking. My aunt, who lives next door, told me that she's been seeing coyotes. That makes me nervous. Not that they could get into the house or anything, but still. I'm not too crazy about wild animals being in my yard.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week. Where has the year gone? I'm actually glad to see it go. This year has been horrible. 2008 can only be better!

The Sower and the Seeds

I was reading my Bible today and I came across the parable of the Sower and the Seeds. I'm actually not sure what this parable is officially called, but "the Sower and the Seeds" sounds fine to me. In this story, Jesus tells of a man who went out planting seeds. Some of his seeds fell on the side of the road, some on stony ground, some in thorns, etc. Lately, I feel like the seeds that fell on the stony ground. While the plants from these seeds sprouted quicky, the earth did not have adequate soil, so the roots of the plants were unable to grow. The plants did fine until the sun came out and they were scorched due to their lack of roots. The plants withered away. Jesus likened the plants from the seeds planted on rocky ground to us Christians who get ready to throw in the towel when things get rough. The Amplified Bible says, "They have no real root in themselves, and so they endure for a little while; then when persecution arises...they immediately are offended and stumble and fall away".

Wow. It was a total God Thing that I read that passage today. I have been so discouraged lately about Shaun and his school situation. This parable was a wake up call. I hope and pray that I never again "lack sufficient roots". My roots should be strong enough to get me through anything! God knows what he's doing, and I know he has wonderful plans for Shaun. My problem is that I'm such a control freak I want to see the end results NOW! I'm praying hard for patience in this area.

Speaking of Shaun, here's a picture of him I found today.

And one of Jordan, with our Dog Batman.

Weekend Praise

We've had an eventful weekend. First of all, Shaun was saved yesterday at church! Thank you God, for answering this prayer- and for allowing me to be there when it happened. My family and I have been praying for this for almost 2 years, so we are elated. It such a blessing to know that my son and I will get to be with each other in heaven forever. Shaun-- I am so proud of you for making this decision!

Chris and I finally joined our church yesterday. It feels good to belong somewhere again. We are also finding a new small group, which I am really excited about. We had joined a small group a while back, but something happened and we lost contact. Our church is so big, and it will be nice to have fellowship with other believers in a more intimate setting.

Let's see, what else? Jordan learned to climb out of his crib on Friday. He's only done it the one time, so we're keeping the crib for now. I think that's it. All in all, a great weekend!

Something in the Water

There are never any wash cloths in our house. I don't know why. They always seem to disappear and we end up having to cut up old towels to use when we bathe or shower. Sad, I know. The boys and I were in Target yesterday and I bought a gift set of 10 beautiful washcloths in all shades of green for only $2.99. I was so proud of myself- what a great deal! Then this morning, my bath water turned all green from the dye on the green washcloths! Ha, I guess I got what I paid for. What a great way to start the weekend!

I'm taking the kids to get their flu shots this afternoon. I wonder who will cry the most? It should make for a fabulous afternoon. Then, there's weapons class for Shaun, the grocery store, visiting my grandmother to take her some Doritos, then home to a crock pot full of chili. Mmmm...can't wait. I hope Chris doesn't have to work late tonight. Jordan and I stopped by the hospital to see him this morning and we both realized that he hadn't seen Jordan in almost 3 days. Speaking of Jordan, he's been in his crib playing for almost an hour. He was suppossed to be getting a nap in before the doctors appointment. Ugh. Nothing like a tired 21 month old going in for a shot!

Praise Report

Shaun took his first Accelerated Reader Test at school today. Because of his learning disability, his teacher allowed him to listen to a recording of the story while following along in the book. Shaun scored a 1oo on his test! Whoo hoo! This is SUCH good news. I was so proud that I actually started crying. His teacher is also extremely proud. He has really been struggling with his reading. It is really a blessing to get some good news. Thanks, God!

Halloween was hectic this year. Jordan was cranky due to not having a nap and hated his costume. Shaun was a wild man. He must have consumed too much sugar at school. We went to the Fall Festival at Free Chapel. I have never seen so many children in my life. Seriously- they were everywhere. We had fun, though. Chris' band played and they were awesome, as usual. There were many inflatable jumping thingies, lots of games, a hayride, and of course-- FREE CANDY! Now the children have crashed and are sleeping soundly. I love to watch them sleep. They look so peaceful and innocent. Speaking of sleep, I better go get some myself.

Lunch Date

I've got a hot lunch date today at Mt. Vernon Elementary School. That's right, I'm finally getting to go have lunch with Shaun today. I have instructions to go pick up Subway sandwhiches before I get there. He can be so demanding :)

Old School

Today I was a substitute teacher at my old elementary school. It was a little weird. A lot of the same staff/teachers are still there. Only now they treated me like a grownup...which I am...but it was still strange. I also saw my friend Megan, who I used to go to church with. Not only was it great to see her, but she agreed to have a Girls Nite Our for my The Body Shop at Home Business. Yay! I need all the business I can get!

I missed Jordan while I worked today. A lot. More than I thought. I'm glad I get to stay home with him tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, its Halloween. Shaun will be a pirate and Jordan will either be a dinosaur or a lion, depending on the weather. I guess I will go as a stressed-out mom. We're not doing the trick-or-treat thing this year. We'll be at our church's Fall Festival instead. They'll have a concert, inflatables, tons of candy, etc. Should be fun.

I think Shaun is finally catching on in math. His regular ed teacher sent home a worksheet tonight, and he did it pretty much on his own. He receives resource education in Math since he's below grade level, so it was great to see him doing stuff the "normal" class is doing. Baby steps- always baby-steps. Its hard to be patient about things like this. He's not getting his tutoring sessions in this week, either. Mrs. Kirk, his tutor, had a death in her family and is out of town. Say a prayer for her, she was extremely upset when she phoned me yesterday.

The Simple Things

Its nice to let the simple things in life make you smile at the end of a hectic day...

I am cooking dinner/checking email and my husband and kids are coloring together at the kitchen table. Their conversations crack me up. I love to hear them interact together. Alright, enough cheesy-ness. Must go check on the green beans.

Shaunster the Monster

Seriously, he's not really a monster...most of the time, anyway! Shaun is my oldest child. My first baby. And he always will be, even though he's almost 8 years old. We gave him this nickname when he was a toddler and loved to growl like a monster. Shaun had a rough start. He had a stroke when I was in labor with him, which caused him to have cerebral palsy. It actually sounds worse than it is. He can walk, run, play. He just earned his yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. He has severe left-sided weakness-- little to no use of his left hand and arm and his left leg and foot are also weak.



I'm not sure if I can put into words what its like to find out that your child will be "different". I lived my whole life with a certain idea of what my children would be like. From the time I was a little girl, I imagined myself happily married, getting pregnant (in that order!), rushing to the hospital and giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Yes, it was always a girl in my fantasies. Probably because there are no girls in my immediate family. My sister and I have all girl cousins, and my mom has only sisters. Anyway, after the baby was born the two of us would lounge around in our hospital room while friends and family came by to brag about how beautiful she was and bring us presents. After a few days, we would all go home and the baby would sleep through the night from day one. Things would go smoothly. My husband and I would take our baby to church, out shopping, etc and life would be normal, the way my life was growing up.



Well, things did NOT work out that way. First of all, Shaun was born via c-section when I was a newly-married 19 year old. Secondly, when he was born, the first thing I noticed was that he didn't cry. It was so quiet in the room. I even remember telling my husband that he wasn't crying. He finally cried a few weak cries before the nurses ran out of the room with him. I was in the recovery room when we got the news that he had stopped breathing in the NICU. I was not able to process all of this. I think I was just too tired after being in labor all day and then the stress of the c-section. Finally, the NICU doctor came into my room and told us all that our baby was "very very sick". My doctor allowed me to get up in a wheelchair so that I could go down and see him. He was not breathing on his own, tubes were everywhere. It was the worst moment of my life. No one new what was wrong yet, so all we could do was wait. The next morning the docs told us about the stroke, and that brain damage was a possibility. Still, I was not able to process this. I remember thinking that this was a dream, not happening at all. After about a week, he was able to breathe on his own, and then after another week he came home. We still didn't know what we were dealing with. When babies are so new, its hard to tell if they have brain damage and how severe it will be. So, for the longest time, we didn't know if he would ever walk or talk or feed himself. The list went on and on. He began receiving physical therapy to strengthen his muscles, and the doctors appointments were endless. We say neurologists, cardiologists, therapists. The hardest part for me was being around people who had "normal" babies. I felt so cheated. I know sometimes I was rude, but I truly did not know how to handle myself. I put myself on "auto-pilot" so that I could function, and I kept telling myself that it wasn't real. Not healthy at all, I know. But eventually, with lots of prayer, I came to terms with everything.

Things went smoothly for a few years. Then when Shaun was 5, he was diagnosed with ADHD. My husband and I weren't thrilled about medicating him, but we dealt with it and even admitted that the meds helped him. So we trudged along. Things were going great. We even had another baby- our son Jordan. Then, last fall, things really hit the fan, so to speak. In September 2006, Shaun started having severe mood swings. I'm not talking about your typical 6 year old tantrums. He would fly off the handle for no reason at all, he became violent, he had no impulse control whatsover. Then, as if someone had flipped a switch, he would be back to his normal self. This went on for some time. It is hard for me to talk about that time. My husband was working all the time, I had a new baby, and my older son was out of control. I honestly dreaded coming home every afternoon. I had been seeing a counselor for serveral years, and I described Shaun's behavior to her. She referred me to a child psychiatrist, who determined that Shaun was bipolar. So we began medicating him. The meds were somewhat helpful, but I still didn't feel like we had our son back. In January, we had an annual visit to Shaun's neurologist. During this visit, Shaun kind of stared off to the left side- he had always done this and we thought nothing of it. It turned out that the staring spells were actually seizures- Shaun had Epilepsy. We had an EEG done and found out that the seizures were occurring in the frontal lobe of the brain- the part of the brain that controls behavior and impulse. Everything made sense now! We were actually relieved to get this diagnosis. For the first time, we knew what we were dealing with. It took awhile, but we finally found the right mix of meds, and Shaun was back to normal.

That brings me to the present. At the beginning of the month we found out that Shaun has a learning disorder. He has a "processing problem". It has a clinical name, but I can never remember it. I had a REALLY hard time when I learned this information. School was always so easy for me. I don't want him to struggle. I wanted at least one area of his life to be uneventful. He had been seeing a special needs tutor for the past month, and his teachers say its helping. I love the tutor, but she is outrageously expensive. This is hard on our finances since we became a single-income family last December when I was laid off from my job. I have began to do some substitute teaching, but there is no way I can work a full-time job right now, with all of the kids' issues.

So, now you see why I call my blog "Trials and Smiles". We have definitely seen some trials this year. I can honestly say it has been the worst year of my life. I am praying for 2008 to be better. But for every bad thing, there are 10 good things in my life. I was thinking of some of the great things today:
1. Hearing my children play and laugh together.
2. Lying in bed with Shaun at night while we snuggle and read.
3. Being unable to work full-time: this enables me to stay home with Jordan. He is such a joy.
4. Watching Shaun master his Tae Kwon Do kicks.
5. Seeing the pride in Shaun's face when he finally learned to "count up" in Math.
6. Getting kissed right on the lips by Jordan.
7. Watching as Shaun sings and raises his hands during praise and worship at church, even after all he's been through.
8. Seeing the sheer delight in both of my boys' eyes when they saw the ocean for the first time.

So you see, there really are smiles that go hand in hand with our trials. I thank God for getting me through this year.

Beginner's Blog

So, this is the first blog I've ever had. I decided to start blogging because I believe it will be therapeutic for me. An outlet. There are so many stressors in my life right now,and sometimes I just need to let it all out without bothering my family... again. Anyone know what I mean? Another reason I started a blog- to gain support. I have two special needs children and would love to hear from others who are dealing with some of the same issues my husband are facing. I also wanted to blog for my children- so that one day they'll have something to read that states how much I love them and love being their mother. Yes, we've had an extremely rough life together so far and for some our circumstances will seem pretty bleak. Life has definitely dealt us some huge blows. But we keep going. At least, we don't wallow in our feelings for very long. I'll post some details about us later on. For now, a hot bath is calling my name.