Depressed

That's me. I've been down all day. I'm worried about money. I'm tired and I can't sleep. Shaun's beahvior has been downright horrendous today. But I think I'm most bothered by the fact that tomorrow is my grandma's birthday and she's not feeling well at all. She has small-cell cancer in her lungs and rib. She had been feeling pretty good until the past few days. She says her shoulder hurts and she can't get her breath. Arthritus could be causing this. Or the more obvious-- it could be her cancer. Maybe its spreading, getting worse.

I think my family has accepted the fact that she's not going to be with us much longer. I know I have, at least. Her doctor said she could have maybe between 1 and 5 good years left. It sucks. She has done nothing but take care of others for her whole life. It sucks that this had to happen to her. And it makes my heart hurt to see her sick and in pain.

We're having a surprise birthday party for her tomorrow. The entire family is suppossed to surprise her by showing up at church with her. Only today she said she doesn't know if she's going to feel like going or not. I haven't cried over her in a while, but I did today. This could be her last birthday with us. And the thought of her spending it in pain literally makes my heart ache. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't. But what is there in my life that's going the way I think it should?

I know God has a plan for everything. But sometimes I feel like I've drawn a crappy hand in that department. Its hard at times like this to give Him praise. Its hard to even talk to Him. I get mad and, quite frankly, want nothing to do with Him. But even now I can look back at my life and see that in spite of everything, I AM SO BLESSED. I keep telling myself that, even though right now I'm just not feeling it. A wise woman once told me that in times like this you have to focus on what you know, not what you feel. So that's what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll have a better mindset tomorrow.