Another fabulous day

Today was great.  I got to sleep in until 10 o'clock.  Then Jordan, my sister, and her kids went to pick Shaun up at my parents' camp site.  On the way, we stopped to eat at The Hitchin Post, a restaurant Chris, Shaun, and I used to go to a lot before Jordan was born.  We got to the campground and spent a few hours playing in the river.  We saw a snake.  It was pretty gross, but Dad said it wasn't poisonous so he couldn't kill it.  Any snake is a bad snake to me, but apparently the wild-life preserver people do not share my feelings.  Anyway, we got Shaun and came back home.  Then Chris, the boys and I all went swimming at my mom's.  We had a blast.  Jordan is NOT afraid of the water the way he was last year.  We picked up pizza, came home, and went to bed.  I also signed the kids up for the reading program at the library.  

Tomorrow Shaun has an appointment with his orthopedic surgeon at Scottish Rite.  My sister's meeting over here at 7:00 am to go with me.  It should be a long day.  I pray that Shaun does not have to have another surgery this summer, or anytime soon. 

Rough Days

The past few days have been rough.  Shaun has been terrible with his mood swings and aggressiveness.  This is because his doctor didn't call in a refill for his bipolar meds.  We got them yesterday, and today was much, MUCH better.  No emotional outbursts, no flying off the handle.  He's camping with my parents tonight, so I got a much needed break from him.  I know that sounds terrible, but its just the way it is.  I miss him, though.  

Took him to the optomologist yesterday.  He has to start wearing a patch over his right eye for 2 hours every day.  Apparently his left eye muscles are weak.  If it gets worse he'll have to have surgery.  It never ends,  it seems.  

Other than that, today was great, if tiring.  My sister and her kids all piled into my van and we drove to Vogel State Park, where my parents are camping.  We got to play in the river for a bit, which Jordan loved.  We all came home except for Shaun.  He's staying tonight.  We'll go back in the morning and drop the girls off.  Friday its off to Scottish Rite for an orthopedic appointment.  I pray it goes well. 

I'm Back

I've been gone awhile.  A lot has been happening.  I was going to just quit this blog, since I've been blogging on Myspace, but decided to keep it up.  This blog is mainly for me.  I don't care if anyone else reads it or not.  I want a place to rant and rave, and I would like for my kids to read it when they're older....much older!

So anyway.  Summer began today.  The air conditioner needs Freon, so it was HOT in the house.  The man's coming tomorrow, though, thank goodness.  The kids and I stayed outside in the water a lot today.  It was actually cooler outside than it was in the house.  

We had a Memorial Day cookout yesterday at my Mom's.  The first one since Mamaw passed away.  It was strange.  Strange and sad.  I walked back into the house before we left to say goodbye and found my mom crying.  I hate to see her hurt.  And she's hurting, bad.  There's nothing I can say to make her feel better.  I miss Mamaw so much.  I pick up the phone to call her at least 2 times a week.  I had a bad day last week and stopped by the cemetary to "talk" to her.  Silly, I know.  She's not there!  She's in Heaven.  And if she can see me down here, she's probably laughing, because she can see the "big picture".  Jordan is already starting to forget her.  I put a picture of the two of them up in his room and try to talk about her every day.  

That's enough for tonight.  Going to bed now.  Hopefully I can fall asleep despite the hotness. 

Grace that repaints visions and dreams

This is a line from a song I heard at church today. I need more of God's grace! Grace that gives me a sense of peace about my life. Peace about my children and thier conditions. Peace about my grandmother's cancer. Peace over the sick feeling I still sometimes get in my stomach when I reflect on my life and can't believe its turned out this way. Just plain peace. Today's been long. Very long. I got a job in the nursery at church. I'm in the infant room. I'm feeling like I'd be better suited for the older kids. There was lots of crying today and it was very stressful. We had a staff meeting after the 11 oclock service, so that meant I was at church from 7:30 am until almost 3 this afternoon. Came home and tried to get some things done, but Jordan didn't get his nap out and was grouchy, Shaun was grouchy because it was raining and he couldn't go outside to play with his boomerang. There was whining and more whining. I was about to start dinner when I realized Jordan only had 3 more diapers in the house. We just packed everything up and went out to eat and to get diapers. We just got back. Jordan's asleep and Shaun and Chris are watching The Goonies. Tomorrow's a school holiday, so hopefully everyone will sleep in a little later. I'm about to read a book and go to bed. Can't wait- I'm soooo tired!

More chemo

I just talked to my mom. My grandma is having a chemo treatment right now. This is a shock to everyone. My mom's upset. Mamaw had made up her mind to not do treatments anymore. Last week the doctor said he couldn't recommend more treatments, that her body would not tolerate them, and that they would only prolong the inevitable. Everyone had adjusted to this decision. We were beginning to have peace about it. Then they go back today and the doctor apparently starts trying to talk her into more treatments. She said she would try for us, for her family. She said if she did these treatments, maybe she would have time to plant one last garden. Heavy stuff, to say the least. I will say this-- if she does make it long enough to plant a garden, my boys and I will be over there every day doing it for her and making more precious memories. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm relieved that she isn't giving up, angry at her doc for "dangling a carrot", and lots more. She is such a precious woman.

Grieving

I've been all over the map emotionally today. I've cried a lot. I seem to be depressed. I'm not ready to lose my grandma, but I'm afraid its not going to be long before it happens. I was seeing a counselor back when she first got diagnosed in May. I told her how upset I was, how I cried almost nonstop for 3 days. She told me I was probably going through the grieving process early. That, when she did die, I would still be sad but it wouldn't hit me as hard. I don't think so. I'm handling this news even worse. I told Shaun yesterday. He asked if she was going to die soon. I said I thought so. He said he'd just see her in heaven. I wish I had that faith! Of course I know I'll see her in heaven. Its just that I want her hear with us on Earth for a little longer. Despite all this, the world keeps turning. My car is messed up (again). It bogged down in the Arby's parking lot last night. I was by myself with the boys. Once again, it was my dad to the rescue. Chris took the car back to the mechanic this morning. Apparently, some kind of sensor needs to be replaced. Its gonna cost $130. We don't have an extra $130 right now. But God will provide- gotta keep the faith, no matter what! My neice is getting dedicated at our old church tomorrow. Everyone's coming except us. Chris and I couldn't find subs for our jobs at church. I'm upset about that, too. Its probably Mamaw's last time going to church, if she even feels like going. Tomorrow afternoon we're going to my neices' birthday party. Its a skating party, which should be pretty interesting. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle again!

"Miracled"

This is the conversation Shaun and I had while driving in the car the other day: Shaun: remember when I had a stroke and God saved my life? Me: Yes, I do. Shaun: I wonder why he loved me so much to do that? Me: I guess he has special plans for you. Shaun: Oh. Is that why he miracled me? I've never heard it described quite that way before!

3 months

What is 3 months?? 90 days? A season, such as fall or winter? 3 packs of birth control pills? 30 days is NOTHING. And that's how much longer my grandma's doctors expect her to live. Despite chemo and radiation, her cancer has pretty much attacked her liver, and probably her bones, too. She'll find that out for sure after her bone scan tomorrow. She'll go back to the doctor next week and make an appointment for hospice to come out to her house. She doesn't want to do any more treatments- her doctor didn't recommend it, and it probably wouldn't help anyway. And yet she's fine. Not afraid at all. She actually told my dad to go to church tonight and request prayer for her daughters and granddaughters. I've cried a lot today. I think I'm still in shock- its like this isn't even happening. But at the same time, I'm grateful. Grateful that she knows God, that she knows where she'll be when she takes her last breath. Grateful that she got to know and love my children. Grateful for the privalidge to have her as my Mamaw. Right now I'm too beat to think about this anymore. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Jordan Turns 2

Jordan turned 2 years old this past Monday, on January 28th. His official b-day party isn't until March (we are having his and Shaun's parties together at our karate studio). On Monday, though, we had the grandparents over for cake and gifts. The biggest hit gift-wise was the John Deer tractor with trailer and loader, which was given by Pop and Susie. He LOVES it- if only the weather would cooperate long enough for him to really learn to drive it.

I've been thinking a lot about the day he was born. I remember all of the drama- his heart rate being high at my OB appointment, going to the hospital with my mom, watching as he kicked the amnio needle from inside my womb (which left a scratch on his little foot!), watching Dr Harrison nearly have a meltdown because 1) no one could find an ultra-sound machine to use during the amnio 2) upon finally finding the machine he opened the amnio kit to find there was no needle, sighing and crying tears of relief upon hearing Jordan's precious cry after the c-section- Shaun didn't cry right after his birth. That's how I new something was wrong. And then later, the absolute terror when the nurse had to take him back to the nursery because of an infection. For days, we waited on spinal tap results which would let us know whether or not we were dealing with meningitus. As it turned out, it was only an infection which was treated with antibiotics. Looking back, I can definitely see God's hand in the whole situation. For example, if Jordan's heart rate hadn't been high at my appointment, I would have gone home thinking nothing was wrong. It turns out that the heart rate was an indicator of the infection. When I got to the hospital it was back to normal, but my doctor decided to go ahead with the c-section 3 weeks early due to what all had happened with Shaun. If we hadn't gotten him out when we did, the outcome would have probably been a lot worse. Thank you, God, for taking care of my children!

I remember holding him for the first time and not recognizing him. I think I was expecting him to look like Shaun, but he didn't. He looked just like Chris. He had a bruise on his nose because I carried him so low for sooo long(!), a scratch on his foot from his fight with the amnio needle, and suck marks on his hand. He sucked his 3 middle fingers for the first few days. How precious he was!

Nowadays, Jordan is still precious- in different ways! He is hyper- oh so hyper. He is never still, and LOVES to climb. Some of his other favorite things are:

- his brother Shaun
- his Pop
- his cousin Keri-lyn
- Elmo
-music- he's actually already starting to sing along with songs.
- climbing
- his pacifier- we're working on getting him to give it up!
- shoes
- his Mamaw
- I don't know his name, but the man at church who works in Kidpak Jr. Jordan will actually jump out of my arms to say "Whazzup" to him each Sunday and Wednesday.
-Wonder Pets
-Backyardigans
- Riding in the Gator with Shaun
- being outdoors
- karate kicks
And too many other things to count. He really is a joy, and I love him so much.

Fruits From the Fast

Believe it or not, we're already having some answered prayers, before the fast is even over!

One of Shaun's resource teachers found me at school today to tell me that she's seen a "noticeable improvement" in his math and reading skills. In fact, she said she was "just tickled". School has been a real struggle this year, and to hear those words coming from a lady who just doesn't sugar-coat anything- well, it was HUGE! I also found a way to get Shaun to take his new seizure medication. The receptionist at his psychiatrist's office told me to try putting it in applesauce. I had my doubts, but tried it tonight and it worked. Praise be to God.

Chris and I have also been fasting for our finances to improve. We had a big insurance bill to pay, and the money was just not there. We've been praying so hard for God to help us find a way to take care of this- and He did. We got our bill paid last night- before the cancellation deadline today. That's 3 prayer requests already ansered. I can't wait to see what else He's got in store for us. Thank you, God!

Fasting and miracles

Shaun got a double-dose of heavy prayer tonight. We all went to church early with Chris, and before band practice the members of the Kidpak band all laid hands on Shaun while praying for his healing. They also praid for Chris and I, so that we would have knowledge on how to care for him and for our marriage. They prayed for Shaun's doctors. Pretty powerful stuff.

After the service Chris, the boys and I walked through the prayer line in the Miracle Service. We were all prayed for and annointed with oil. Also pretty powerful stuff. God's spirit was so full in that room that the air was thick. No joke. I've never felt His presence in quite that way before. I have every belief that Shaun can be healed.

The fast ends on Sunday. I think I'm feeling led to fast longer than the 21 days. I don't feel like I'm done, and honestly, I don't feel like I've taken this fast seriously enough. I've followed the guidelines well enough, but I don't feel like I've prayed and studied the Word the way I should have. So tomorrow I'm beginning a 3 day total fast. I'm going to try my best to make it to Sunday with no food- only juice and water. During those 3 days I'm going to pray and read non-stop. I feel in my heart that God is asking this of me. It will probably be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I actually considered calling the fast off tonight, since we had all been prayed for. What wishful thinking! :)

During the next 3 days I will be praying for the healing of Shaun's mind. I'll pray for my marriage and out finances. I'll pray for my Grandma's healing. But most of all I'll pray that God will show me contentment in my life, no matter what the circumstance. That, I believe, is the key to true happiness.

And now they're found

FINALLY found the keys to my car this afternoon...in my room...against the wall...buried under a pile of papers and clothes. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to clean up my room.

Lost keys

I've been looking for my keys all day. Chris says he put them on top of the piano when he got home from work yesterday, but they're not there now. I have my doubts that he really put them there. Maybe Jordan found them and hid them somewhere else. My dad had to take Shaun to school this morning. He also had to go to the bank for me and pick Shaun up after school. Chris better get home and find those keys!

The Devil's agitated

I heard at church yesterday that the Devil gets agitated when you fast and pray and, for lack of a better word, attacks you. I definitely feel like he's agitated with me. Chris and I have faced some major trials since last week, and so far this week isn't looking much better.

I had this fantasy that I would begin my fast and the struggles in my life would immediately improve. What a joke! If anything, things have gotten worse- Shaun's behavior is awful, he got another bad report card, Jordan's been sick, I'm depressed, and our finances our suffering. One thing's for sure: Satan really knows how to push our buttons.

But I realized something today. My blessings will come AFTER the fast, not during. I really feel in my heart that God is getting ready to work some major miracles in my life- it makes sense that Satan would be angry about that. He (Satan) wants to see me miserable. And he knows that God's going to bless me for fasting. So of course the Devil's going to try anything and everything to discourage me from fasting. I'm determined to stay strong. I may even fast for 20 more days, if that's the way God leads. Who knows? I'm learning to stay open to new possibilities.

We sang a new song at church yesterday that was so fitting to my situation right now. I've heard it once before, but was extra blessed by it yesterday. The chorus is:

"So I will praise you in the good times and bad; I'll praise you whether happy or sad. I'll praise you in all that I go through because praise is what I do. And I owe it all to you."

Wow. Talk about a reality check. I was in such a horrible mood yesterday. That song put me in my place. My prayer is that I'll always be able to give Him praise, regardless of my circumstances.

Homework and other disasters

Today was more of the same. It seems like it should be at least Wednesday by now. But no. Its only Monday. I feel like I've been breaking up fights all day. Shaun and Jordan have been arguing non-stop. Actually, today wasn't so bad until about 5:00. We got home from tutoring and Shaun did not want to do his homework. He fussed, whined, got angry and out of control. The funny thing is, he only had spelling homework, which is what he's best at. He could have finished in about 15 minutes. It ended up taking nearly 2 hours.

Dr. Connell thinks that maybe his seizure med isn't doing what it should. So we increased the dosage a little, along with an increase in Abilify. I am actually having to work his way up to the new seizure med prescription. The last tim we increased too fast, and it was a disaster. The pharmacy had to order the Abilify so he's not taking that yet either. I think in a couple of weeks his med for ADHD will also have to go up. Shaun is definitely not staying focused on anything. I feel so badly for him. I wonder what he thinks about himself. I wonder what its like to feel so completely out of control of your own body. So I'm trying to get in touch with Shaun's psychologist again. He works alone, so in order to make an appointment I have to call his answering service, leave a message, and wait for him to call. This is annoying, especially when he always calls me back when I'm not home. Gotta love the phone tag.

On a positive note, Shaun brought home a 100 on his spelling test Friday and he also read a LOT better tonight than he has been. I'm so glad God gives us small miracles when we need some encouragement!

I made a really good recipe for dinner tonight with 'fast friendly' foods. Whole grain pasta covered in organic tomoatos with sauteed onion, red and green peppers, brocolli, garlic and oregano. Jordan ate it like a pig.

I had a headache today. When Jordan was napping I went to rest for a while and would up sleeping for nearly 3 hours. I woke up just in time to pick Shaun up from school. The headache went away though. Chris is working late tonight. I thought I'd be up all night due to my long nap, but I'm already exhausted again. Time for bed.

A better frame of mind

I'm feeling much better today. I'm trusting in God to meet all of our needs- financial, medical, emotional- all of them!

My ankle is also a little better today. Its almost time for me to leave for Shaun's appointment. I'm praying it goes well.

Big bad jump

I think I've sprained my ankle. To make a long story short, I thought I was on the last step to the stage at church last night. I jumped down without looking and twisted my ankle. I can barely walk and its swollen and bruised. If its not better tomorrow I'll have it x-rayed.

I've had a terrible day today. First, obvisously, I was in a lot of pain. Its so annoying to not be able to do anything. Then Shaun got his report card. He still has Ns in math and reading. This is confusing because his grades on the work he's been bringing home have been improving. They also say he's not focusing as well as he had been. Don't know what will come of that. He's got a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, so we'll see what he says. After we got home this afternoon, Shaun had a major temper tantrum. He was totally out of control. Thank goodness Chris was here to help with him. Once it was over, he was good for the rest of the night.

All in all, a very discouraging day. I've been crying off and on since this morning. I feel like Satan is using Shaun to discourage me in my fast. I hate that! I hate feeling like this, and my heart is breaking over this issue with school. I feel like I have absolutely no control over anything right now, which stinks since I'm such a contol freak.

Sleepless days

Jordan is no longer napping. Not because he doesn't need a nap, but because the steroid is making him a super-human freak child who never sleeps. I'm overreacting, I know. He actually sleeps pretty well at night, when he finally falls asleep. Its just that he needs his nap sooo badly. He's so tired right now. I tried for 2 hours to get him to sleep. Now its too late, we have to leave in less than an hour to pick up Shaun from school. So, it looks like my afternoon's going to be pretty miserable.

Chris and I are still fasting. We're following the food guidelines, but I have not had much time to ready my Bible or pray. Well, I can pray whenever I want, but I haven't been able to pray like I want. Jordan's been moody and hysterical since he started his medicine and my days have been pretty rough. Satan's tricky like that. Not going to let it stop me, though! We sang a beautiful song at church on Sunday: "I will search for You and I will find You, I will find You with all of my heart; I will lift my hands to You in worship, I will worship with all of my heart". I thought this song was very fitting to kick off a fast with. That's my biggest prayer-to find God and understand his will on my life.

And the fasting begins

I've decided to begin fasting a few days early. Our church begins an annual corporate fast this Sunday, but I'm ready to get started. This is my first time fasting, and I'm excited to see what happens. I'm also nervous. Everyone who knows me knows I love food. I'll even say that I'm addicted to food. I eat way, WAY too much of it. If nothing else, I hope to break this bad habit over the next 23 days.

I went grocery shopping tonight for fruits, veggies, distilled water, and all-natural fruit juice (which is harder to find that you may think). I pray that God gives me the strenghth and will power to complete this fast. In the Bible, God's people are commanded to pray, give, and fast. I think I'm doing pretty well with the praying and giving. I read a verse in the Bible a few weeks ago that stated that some demons can only be conquered by fasting. I'm ready to rid my house and family of all the demons! I'm ready to be closer and more obediant to God. I'm ready to really hear what He has to say to me. I'm ready for a whole new outlook on life. I've heard the first 3 days are the roughest, so we'll see if my attitude changes tomorrow! I'm determined to stick it out.

I went over to my sister's house tonight and watched "Three". We've both read the book it was based on, by Ted Dekker. As usual with books-turned-movies, the book was way better. It was still good, though. It would suck to have three personalities.

The Mystery of the Broken Dryer

The dryer is working again. It actually started working again yesterday afternoon. Today I went to put a load of laundry in, and- nothing. I rigged a contraption to keep the button pressed down. Now it works again, even without my contraption. Peculiar. Very peculiar, indeed.

Long day

Today has been so long- and its still soooo long until bed time!



Jordan was "officially" diagnosed with asthma today. His oxygen level was 97 percent and the doc said she was surprised it was that high. His lungs sounded awful. He started Prednozone(?) today, along with a higher doze of the Flovent inhaler and will see the doctor again in 2 weeks.



When we got to the dentist, his dentist wasn't even there. We saw another one in the group. I liked her well enough. She seemed knowledgable. She wanted to get x-rays, but J freaked out so much she said we could wait until next time. It took 3 people to hold him down so she could examine him. I had to wait outside, crying and listening to him scream. He should ideally have 20 teeth right now, and he only has 13. We know for sure he's missing the 2 top teeth on either sides of the 2 middle teeth. I asked about getting crowns to make his teeth look normal. We really need to wait and see how many teeth are going to come in. I know it sounds bratty, but he's so cute, and I want his teeth to look normal. Oh well- there are worse things, I guess.

He's sleeping now. I think he looks like a angel when he sleeps...so innocent to all of the world's disappointments.

Shaun was excellent today until we got home. Then he had a minor melt-down.

Oh- and our dryer is apparently broken. What next?

The new year's here

So, 2008 is here. We rang in the new year in a very low-key way. My sister and her family came over, along with 2 more friends. We ate and watched movies. The kids played. Jordan's the only one who didn't make it to midnight. As usual, he climbed in bed and went right to sleep when he got cranky.

Today we had New Year's lunch at my mom's. Thank goodness she made something besides peas and collard greens (gag). We had to take a trip to Wal-mart to exchange Shaun's new basketball goal. The manufacturer sent the wrong poles in the box or something like that. Chris finally bought his ipod.

Shaun's emotions have been all over the place today. He reminds me of a pre-menstrual teenage girl. So glad we have an appointment with the psychiatrist this week. We've got to get his meds fixed. For now we're just trying to humor him.

Its going to be an early morning for us tomorrow. Jordan has an appointment with his allergist at 8:45. The freezing cold temps should make that interesting. Then he's got a dentist appointment later on in the morning. I'm really going to have to meet with his dentist. I'm not satisfied that he's qualified to treat Jordan. I don't think he's ever had a patient with Ectodermal Dysplasia. To top it off, I'll have Shaun with me, too. His moodswings should make things exciting to say the least. I'm tired just thinking about it. Ugh. Maybe it won't be too bad. I'm anxious to get to church tomorrow night. I'm needing some encouraging. Bring it on, Pastor Franklin!